Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Gardening Leave!

Before anyone asks!

"In the United Kingdom, garden leave (or gardening leave[1]) describes the practice whereby an employee who is leaving a job (having resigned or otherwise been terminated) is instructed to stay away from work during their notice period, while still remaining on the payroll. This practice is often used to prevent employees from taking with them up-to-date (and perhaps sensitive) information when they leave their current employer, especially when they are leaving to join a competitor."

So im sat at home drinking tea, lovely! My damn laptop is in some factory being pulled apart and repaired. We dont have tv in this flat because Wilson is refusing to pay the tv license so we watch everything on another flatmates 32 inch dell monitor which is hooked up to megatron his computer. Megatron has fuckin died after an upgrade to some crazy processor he couldnt handle.

This leaves me very very bored. You might see me dressed as a Ronald McDonald in a McDonalds near you very soon. I was working as a Santa on Monday but apparently your not allowed call a toddler a little shit rag when he pisses on your knee. Oh well, onwards and upwards.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Constructive weekend?

Emails between myself and my flatmate from work

Me: "So we going to do something constructive this weekend?"

Him: "depends what your definition of contructive is"

My DEFINITIon

Constructive = (a * b) + (p+s)
------------------------------------------------------------
g


A = Number of times we leave the flat
B= How many bars we visit
P= number of pints
S=number of shorts
G=number of girls who we get nowhere with


IM GETTING THIS MADE INTO A T-SHIRT!

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Coming up on the clock channel, 7'oclock!

"So whats the weather like Ollie?"

"It gona RAIN!"

So still looking for a new role with my consultancy/whatevertheycallthemselves. My contract with them ends in January and ive pretty much one foot out the door unless they come up with something amazing for me before Xmas that I cant say no to. Its gonna be a poor xmas, all the lads will be away travelling so it should be a bit cheaper on the drink front but then again probably not.

My housemate came back with a good weekend story for me. He went down to see his folks who live down in 'allo my lover' country. Bandit country I suppose we would call it in Ireland. Anyway boys meets girl blah blah blah. Stays over at his folks place, Wills trying to sneak her out the door the next morning and drop her home but of course bumps into his mum who makes her some breakfast and then tells her she has to stay for Sunday Roast.

So hes stuck in the middle of nowwhere with this girl, about a half hours drive to civilisation and lets just say he forgot to wrap his meat the night before and she needs to get to the nearest boots very quickly. SO they finally find one thats open go in and he's abit clueless about the whole situation, apparently its not like just going up to the counter and getting some paracetmol. Appointment to the doctor or nurse or some 16 year old with a name badge he didnt seem to sure he stayed in the waiting room. And strangely enough he told me the anti-baby waiting room was located in the baby section in boots and he was having a major head fuck!

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Funny spam fuckin ad

Ok everyone knows those horrible mails you get and damn google ads. Well what ever genius put up this pic got it the wrong way round. I havent been able to find it since but basically it was one of those weight loss ads and they had the photos the wrong way round. So instead of turning into a toned stud after 30 days you had a beer belly, best pill ever!

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Better to burn out or fade away

So on a good note the return of the Big Bang Theory was fuckin awesome unlike the return of Peep Show which hit its peak two seasons ago and should have disappeared after the last episode of Season 4 when Mark and Sophie had their big wedding disaster which left Mark and Jeremy back living together. The way they have tried to stretch the show since has been poor and unimaginative and not in tone with the first four series. Of course their is still the occassional funny moment but their so few and far between I would rather be watching reruns of season 1-4.

When should the producers pull the plug on a show or are they just concerned with easy series stocking fillers for Xmas. I think strangely enough the one channel that bas managed their shows very cleverly is the BBC. Did you know their has been 81 episodes of Prison Break compared to 64 episodes of Only fools and Horses. The original and best The Office had two series consisting of 6 episodes and a two part Xmas Special one year, so 14 episodes in total. Its American not funny version is currently on episode 101.

Another example is the Royle Family, which I still watch anytime I see it on UK gold. It was a wonderful show about a working class family and easily my favourite ktchen sink drama. It had a total of 22 episodes, wheres for example Roseanne went on for eleven years where in season 2 it was the top rated show in america and by its last season was scraping into the top 50.

Ive no idea why the BBC are less guilty or draw the series to a conclusion alot sooner than its US counterparts and even Channel four to a lesser extent which has let Shameless and Peep Show go into a bit of a freefall. But I would like some answers on a postcard.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

Back with a Bang a very Big Bang Theory actually!

So its been two months since I have blogged, basically the same amount of time I have been living in LandanNNN! It rocks BTW!

Im still on the hunt for a new contract which is getting increasingly frustrating but I think I should get something in the next few weeks hopefully.

Despite the lack of work, I have been really enjoying London. My mate has very kindly put me up for the last two months and its been awesome. Still havent really done much or seen much in London apart from the Irish bar across the street. Yes their is an Irish bar across the street from my flat, I could hit it with a coin from my bedroom window.

Its actually quite nice living in an area in England that is full of irish people, its like little Ireland. And its surprising that although some of the folk you meet in the bar havent been home in over 10 years that they still havent lost their accent.

Their was a trad band on a few weeks back and they played the national anthem and my mate didnt know what it was and continued playing pool with a friend of ours. It didnt go down too well, but I thought it was hilarious and my friend couldnt stop apologising to me. Of course somehow had to have a go at him about it. MUPPETS!

Few things I dont like about London

1. When the tube is horribly full and you get someones pit in your face.
2. The amount of degenerates who ask you for money around my area.
3. The way no one talks on the tube.
4. The plastic paddy brigade
5. New PaddysInEngland telling me different accounts of how bad things are back home.


The Big Bang Theory season 3 episode 1 aired in the states last night, cant wait to get home and get on piratebay AHOY!

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

My viewing pleasure

Since I can almost quote "The Big Bang Theory" line for line it was time for something new or time for a return to a blast from the past. A show that I had well and truly forgotten about but one which I loved watching while I grew up. Any ideas? Samantha Janus was in it and the ginger haired guy and the guy who wouldn't leave the house. It was called Game on and I remember at the time of its airing I was 11 or 12 and fell deeply in love with Ms Janus. I never made the connection that this was the woman who has been on eastenders for the last two years. Shes just not as adorable hot anymore. I still would though.

Game on was a bit of a throwback to Friends, the three 20 something year olds it revolved around were complete fuck ups and their lives went from one disaster to a next.


Check out Game on at surfthechannel, all three series are their for your viewing pleasure.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Desert Island Top 5

Top 5 Books
1.The Barrytown Trilogy -Roddy Doyle
2.Complete Works of William Shakespeare - William Shakespeare
3.Bible - Loads of dudes with beards
4.Freshers - Kevin Sampson
5.Fudge - Judy Bloom

Top 5 Albums
1.Appetite for destruction - Guns n Roses
2.Thriller - Michael Jackson
3.Lets get it on - Marvin Gaye
4.Led Zeppelin 4 - Led Zeppelin
5.The Libertines - The Libertines

Friday, 3 July 2009

Glastonbury how i do miss you my sweet lady...

Im still in glastonbury I cant believe its gone mode...

Il blog about it when im in a less mourning mood...

This Libertines song is how i feel right now

Well is it cruel or kind
Not to speak my mind
And to lie to you
Rather than hurt you
Well, I'll confess all of my sins
After several large gins
But still I'll hide from you
And hide what's inside from you

And alarm bells ring
When you say your heart still sings
When you're with me
Oh wont you please forgive me

But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no

And all the memories of the pubs
And the clubs and the drugs and the tubs
We shared together
Will stay with me forever

But all the highs and the lows
And the tos and the fros
They left me dizzy
Oh darling, please forgive me

But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no

Resession hits porn!

“How bad is this recession? Even sex doesn’t sell.


That’s the glum assessment of those in the adult entertainment industry, hundreds of whom gathered last week for the annual Cybernet Expo conference in San Francisco. The industry, now a multibillion-dollar online business, has discovered that people just aren’t willing to click-to-pay for vice the way they once did . . .

A lot of companies have been bouncing checks,” performer Annie Cruz said. “Some people have quit the business. A lot of companies have cut back shooting. There are a lot of girls who have not worked in a month.”


Hahaha found this on the net, hilarious! I think considering streamed porn is basically free on the net now might have alot more to do with the current crisis in the porn world!

Friday, 19 June 2009

Friday Photo






Transformers Megan Fox, hot girl not in disguise.

The Artist Formerly Known as PaddyinEngland?

Ive been a tad shite on the blogging front this month, this being numero uno for June. Not likely to get much better until July when I will have more time on my hands than an investment banker from Lehman Brothers.

So Ive been doing what I do best as per usual drinking and being largely unsuccessful with any female who might be a good long term bet.

The next week is shaping up very nicely indeed though. Tonight I am travelling to London and im sure I will have a few sherrys with my good friend Wilson who I am moving in with soon. Tomorrow I am going to silverstone to see the GP qualifiers in the VIP section free food and beer and other random crap all day.

Next week is what I have been waiting for since being in the stone circle last year shouting at some gypsy not to put a spell on me, its GLASTONBURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Travel down to Devon Tuesday night and hitting the campsite early wednesday until Monday morning. Then ive nine days left in work after that and im quite looking forward to some time to myself.

Oh i almost forgot until I seen the title of my post. I had two interviews for a position in Zurich and was pretty sure I was on my travels again until they told me i wasnt what they were looking for(FUCKERS). Im PaddyinEngland for now.

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Yer MA! To Sir Maxi Cane

LOU says:
U SUCK
Johnny BOy says:
so does your ma
LOU says:
BLA BLA BLA
Johnny BOy says:
thats what your ma said to the sheep
LOU says:
aw shut up
Johnny BOy says:
i would but your ma is making me scream
LOU says:
enough already
Johnny BOy says:
your ma cant get enough of me
LOU says:
yip yip
Johnny BOy says:
thats what your ma says
LOU says:
im no gna speak 2 u if u carry this on
hahaha
Johnny BOy says:
your ma will speak to me
LOU says:
keep dreaming sonny
Johnny BOy says:
i dream about your ma all the time
LOU says:
gd bye then
Johnny BOy says:
your ma never says goodbye
LOU says:
im not speakin
Johnny BOy says:
its ok il speak to your ma
LOU says:
feel free
Johnny BOy says:
your mas free all the time
LOU says:
bla de bla de bla
u dnt half talk some garbage
Johnny BOy says:
your ma collects my garbage
LOU says:
ur no even funny now
Johnny BOy says:
your ma thinks im funny
LOU says:
no chance
im away
if u cnt talk some sense
Johnny BOy says:
your ma never goes away
LOU says:
goodbye
shouldnt have bothered
Johnny BOy says:
your ma always bothers
LOU says:
ur pissin me off!!!!
Johnny BOy says:
your ma pissed on me once
LOU says:
fuck of johnny
Johnny BOy says:
your ma never tells me to fuck off
yer ma liked this blog
http://maxicane.com/?p=22
LOU says:
well i aint reading it
Johnny BOy says:
your ma loved it
LOU says:
get a grip
Johnny BOy says:
your ma got a grip of me
LOU says:
fantastic
woopy fuckn doo doo
Johnny BOy says:
your ma was fantastic
your ma was woopy fuckn doo doo
LOU says:
get over urslef
Johnny BOy says:
your ma would read that blog
your ma cant get over me
LOU says:
if ur no gna hav a proper conversation minus the ma then dnt bother

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

The sex list

When I was twelve I used to keep a list of the amount of girls I had snogged. Well bored in work tonight I created another list as I wasnt sure of the magic number.

No im not going to tell you the magic number!

When you start dating a girl, the question eventually comes "How many sexual partners have you had?"

This usually strikes a bit of a panic button in me. In the past ive lied and lied and then lied some more. I then thought I would just divide the number in 2 and tell anyone in future thats what it was. Well I remember the look of disgust I got with that answer.

Is their a right answer to this God awful question?

Its a real no mans land question.

If you say less than 5, they will think your some relationship guy and will probably scare them off.

If you say more than 10 they will think your a whore.

In defence of women, if you ask them the same question and they told me they had two guys before me. I would be thinking, YA FUCKIN SLUT!

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Lowry wins but no moola?

Can someone explain this one to me? Shane Lowry won the Irish open last weekend and of course he was ecstatic. And so he should be, he became only the third irishman to win the Open in 27 years.

This is the bit I dont get. First prize was half a million but because Lowry is an amateur it goes to the pro who came second. Why the hell cant amateurs win the prize fund? Ive gone through a few sports media sites and they all tell me the same fucking thing. Actually its the exact same paragraph they all seem to have word for word.

"While Lowry can savour a two-year exemption when he decides to turn professional, Rock's consolation was to pocket the €500,000 first prize."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

What exactly is he savouring?

SHOW ME THE MONEY ID BE SCREAMING BUT THEN AGAIN IM ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS!

Monday, 18 May 2009

Im wasting in my life in front of a tv, BRILLANT!

As I have stated many times before I love a bit of tv.

I have needed to find a new show since Shameless finished and South Park and the last episode of SCRUBS EVER was shown last week. Apparently they might continue the series but Zach Braff has said its his last episode so I dont see how that could work without him.

THe never ending Prison Break is back on our screens again, ughhhhhhhh. Of course I have been watching it and its still a big bag of shite but I cant help myself.

Peep Show will be back on our screens some time this summer, but what the hell am I suppose to do until then? Trying to break some assholes fastest time for Ghost Valley on SNES is proving impossible and I have to terms with im never getting in that damn book of Guinness World Records.

A good friend pointed me in the direction of the Big Bang Theory. The show revoles around the lives of two nerds and the hot girl next door. The brains meet the social queen. Sounds like a soppy American teen comedy but it has some moments of genius. Weirdly enough remember Darlene from Roseanne she went out with David, well their both in this and they dont seem to have aged a day.

Me being me watched the whole first series in a few days and here are a few of my favourite quotes from it:

Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon:Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relevant to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?

Leonard: Do you really need your Honorary Membership of the Justice League card?
Sheldon: I've had it in every wallet I owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says here, "Keep it on your person at all times." See, right here, under Batman's signature.

Sheldon: Engineering—where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello Oompa-Loompas of science.

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Your services are no longer required!

So yesterday I found out my contract was not going to be renewed in July. By then I will have been contracted here for exactly eighteen months.

So how do I feel about all this?

I will be sad to leave Bournemouth and the all the nice people I have met down here. Im not bothered about the job though. I came to the UK to get some experience in my field and sleep with english women, to make up for 500 years of bullshit from the British Government. The Irish government even gave me a small grant for my troubles.

My friend has kindly offered to put me up for a while.

Hi ho, hi ho its off to London I go!

Monday, 11 May 2009

Fuck the Credit Crunch Volume 1




Here is a perfectly normal thing to do during a credit crunch. Spending $17,030 on a computer. Unfortunately my house got burgled and those fuckers took my ps3 and my laptop. Shame they didnt take Aaron with them, the idiot who left the back door open haha.

Anywhere for you nerds out there, here is the spec.

Base:

Processor
* Intel Core i7-965 - 3.2GHz EE PHOBOS OC (250)

Motherboard:
* BFG Approved Intel X58-Based - Supports NVIDIA SLI (3-Way/Quad) (0)

Graphic Cards:
* Two BFG GeForce GTX 295 1.79GB PHOBOS OC (Quad SLI) (700)

Memory:
* 12GB PC3-10666 DDR3 - 1333MHz (100)

Operating System:
* Microsoft Vista Ultimate 64-bit (0)

Add a Graphics Card for Dedicated PhysX Processing:
* Add BFG GeForce GTX 285 1GB PHOBOS OC for PhysX (200)


Storage:

Storage
* Western Digital Velociraptor 300GB (250)
* Western Digital Velociraptor 300GB (250)
* Western Digital Velociraptor 300GB (250)
* Western Digital Velociraptor 300GB (250)

Optical Drives:
* Panasonic Blu-ray BD-RE / DVD-RW / CD-RW (700)
* Panasonic Blu-ray BD-RE / DVD-RW / CD-RW (700)

Power Supply:
* BFG 1200 Watt Power Supply (0)

Add In Cards:

Network Card
* Killer NIC M1 Gaming Network Card - PCI (250)

Sound Card:
* Creative X-FI Titanium 7.1 Surround - PCI Express (0)

TV Tuner Card:
* Dual TV-Tuner & Encoder (130)


Software:
Antivirus and Internet Security: Norton 360 Security

Benchmarking: 3DMark Vantage - Basic Edition

DVD and Burning Software: Nero 9 DVD and Burning Software:

Cyberlink Power DVD 8

Productivity (Choose only one Office version): Microsoft Office 2007

Professional Productivity (Choose only one Office version): Adobe Acrobat Standard

Photo and Video Editing: Adobe Premiere and Photoshop Elements

Bundle Games: Need for Speed: Undercover

Games: Grand Theft Auto IV

Games: Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3

Games: Microsoft Flight Simulator X

Games: Fallout 3

Games: Call of Duty: World at War

Games: Farcry 2

Free Popular Applications: Apple iTunes

Free Popular Applications: Valve Steam Game Client

Free Popular Applications: Mozilla Firefox Web Browser

Extras:

Monitors: Samsung SyncMaster LN40A650 40" 1080p LCD TV / Display
Samsung SyncMaster 245T 24- $750
Samsung SyncMaster 245T 24- $750

Mice: Logitech MX Air Rechargeable Cordless Mouse

Speakers: Logitech Z-5500 5.1 Surround

Headphones and Headsets: Sennheiser PC350 Headset


Universal Remotes (Media Center): Gyration Air Music Remote IR/RF

Keyboards: Logitech G19 Wired Gaming Keyboard

Game Controllers: Saitek X52 Flight Control Joystick

Game Controllers: Microsoft Xbox 360 Wireless Controller for PC

Game Controllers: Logitech MOMO Racing Wheel & Footpedals

External Storage: WD My Book Mirror Edition 2TB

External Device: Logitech QuickCam Orbit 2.0 Megapixel PC Camera

Power/UPS: APC Back-UPS BR1500LCD 900W/1500VA Batt. Back Up w/ LCD

Service:

Warranty
* 3 Year Phobos Warranty (500)

File Transfer:
* One Computer or External Device (0)

Installation Type:
* Home Theater ()

Network Setup:
* Wireless ()

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Underage tits on the screen?



I have watched Shameless since series 1 and I am a huge fan of the show. Frank Gallagher screaming "Party" is priceless. In the show Debbie played by Rebecca Ryan is suppose to be a sixteen year old girl. She is basically the head of the house as Frank is too drunk to look after himself let alone a few children.

Ive seen Debbie grow from a little girl on the show to a stroppy teenager. So I was a tad shocked when she got her tits out on the show and was shagged beside the washing machine in the kitchen. It was a weird experience for me, it was like watching someone I know lose their innocence. UGHHHHHHHhh

I watch too much tv!

The episode aired a day after Rebecca Ryan turned 18, apparently they used a body double during filming as she was underage at the time of filming.

Facebook and work people

Why do people from work have to add me as a friend? It's bad enough I have to see them for 40 hours a week, I don't need them peering into my life when I go home.

How do you deal with these people though? Ignore their request or even down right reject it? I now have around 30 or 40 people from my company on my facebook its gotten ridiculous. Some of them I have never even met, just spoke on the phone about work crap. How does that make you my friend?

I would like to point out, I am quite happy to add girls who are posing half naked. That's totally different!

Friday, 24 April 2009

Fat Beard and Susan Boyle

You really know you have become a star when the guys behind South Park decide your their shithead of the week and they make fun of you in an episode. In the latest episode named Fat Beard, Cartman decides to start a pirate club in school and then there off to join the pirates in Somalia.

Ike leaves his parents this note to explain why he's leaving, I laughed for about 10 minutes.

“Everyone at school is a fuckin idiot and if one more person talks to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Miserables I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth."

YOU TELL EM IKE!

For those of you who have patience and didn't watch the episode online, its UK premiere is tonight on paramount at 10.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

The Apprentice - Hopefully fired this week



Right hands up who hates that Belfast bastard on the Apprentice. Im pretty sure its not just me. Here are his qualifications BA (Hons) Economics & Business, whoop-di-fuckin-do. He is full of his own self-importance and I can't believe anyone else on the show would have a good word to say about him. Out of everyone on the show I would want to work with him the least, I think I would end up wrapping my telephone lead around his throat. The sooner this fucker is thrown off the show the better.


If they dont fire him this week, I am quite happy for any of the falling people to get sacked.



Poor old Noorul, I only want him left in for comic value really. His team meeting last week was classic and the poor bastard was obviously out of his depth. The decision to sell the soaps dressed up in one of those outfits they wear so not to be stung was great. It looked like they were trying to sell anthrax. No chance of winning, but not a bad bloke.




She just annoys me and she's not very pleasant on the eye.




He just has a face that I would like to give a good smack, and he appears utter shite in the tasks.

Monday, 20 April 2009

So you can get tagged in a blog apparently?

So DailyDaydreamer or DD as I refer to as (yes i am still really a 12 year old boy) has tagged me and now I have to do some quiz thingy. I dont mind doing this one as I am bored in work but this better not turn into some facebook invitation nightmare.

So basically I have to tell you what things I wish I had created/wrote/directed. I am going to do all this anyway once I can get the DeLorean to fucking start.


Movie: This was a tough call but it would have to be Jerry Maguire, it's just such a warm film. I love ROD TIDWELL! WHOSE MY MOTHERFUCKER?




Song: Bruce Springsteen - I'm on fire. No explanation if you haven't heard it watch the video below, it will change your whole life! Well maybe not, but I love it.

Chocolate bar: Nestle Baby Ruth! Omg my mouth just got very wet. Im off to order a box online.

Invention: A bra that a man can snap open quickly. Im getting sick of having to carry a scissors around.

Event: I would reinvent the FIFA World Cup and would not have allowed England to host it and then they would never have won the fuckin thing and I wouldn't have to listen to them talking about it 40 years later.

Ok so apparently I have to tag 3 people to do this now. So im being sneaky about this one. Abby you have been tagged so you basically have to come out of blog retirement, gonna tag Gimp too as he only wrote his first entry of the month last night at 3am and I am going to tag UnaRocks, although I doubt we will see her return.

Traaron !

We dont have many rules in our house but one rule is if your fall asleep on the couch we will write on you at the very least. Here is a the trailer to Aaron the movie which had its premiere at my birthday party. His nickname in the house is Trigger aka the stupid guy from only fools and horses who calls Rodney Dave the whole time. We have now renamed him Traaron a mix of Trigger and Aaron.

Here's the trailer to Aaron the movie.

Friday, 17 April 2009

Friday Smile :) (Email from the lady)

"Oh dear things must be serious ..couldn’t think of a password so used your name!!

Note this is to access personality disorder data haha

See ya later (as long as you aren’t grumpy!)

S x"


IM FUCKIN DEADLY!

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors

Does anyone remember this? And am I the only still pissed off that 20 years later we still dont have a conclusion. Someone needs to come up with the money so they can make the last 1 hour special so I know what happens!

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

The man!

Another Ryanair flight, another fucking disaster of course. They never sent me my confirmation email of course. I give one of the lads a ring to see can I get a lift. Its 12:30 my flights at 13:40 but this is typical me, organised people go on organised holidays and take organised photos. Yeah there is a meaning in that somewhere but im not deep enough to comphrend it.

Good old Neiler "Yeah no problem shag"

I dont really understand why welsh people call each other shag. Its not the same as the irish saying as shes a ride. Neil doesnt want to have sex with me.

I get hit with a 20 quid fine at Ryanair check in as I couldn't check in online as they never sent me the damn confirmation. Tough shit Paddy! Pay the fine and then contact complaints to get it back. Two hopes of that.

Big queue waiting for the plane. So I sit down and read the paper until only about 10 people remain and then I join the queue. There was a guy there with his son, looked like a big of a headcase. Extreme Dublin accent, long hair, ear rings and a ten year old boy. He had some how lost his boarding card between the security and the departure gates. He was reassuring his son that everything was ok while at the sametime screaming at the staff.

I boarded the plane and sat down beside some randomer. There was a seat between us. He had the window and I had the aisle. Well the Brendan Kilkenny lookalike got on the plane with his son and was still cursing the staff and telling his son everything was rosey. He walked the length of the plane and then realised there was nowhere for the two of them to sit together and he went fucking mental. Screaming at the staff. I offered to move seat and sat beside two girls who peered over my shoulder and read my paper whenever it got to something interesting like Madonna cant adopt african goldfish.

The Long haired Screamer was all so thankful to me. He shook my hand and shouted "you always meet nice people wherever you go, pity about the fuckin staff." Himself and his son had a bit of a picnic on board with them and were munching away. Everytime they came to a new item the man asked his son to ask the man did he want some. I got offered a sandwich, a sup of coke, a sup of fanta, a jaffacake and some pringles. I no thanks them.

I love Ryanair flights. The two girls I was sitting with had obviously had some sort of tiffy before they got on. But now they were hugging and holding hands and I was imagining a 3some, then we landed and now I will never see them again :(

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Im a bad man and so are you!

45 people got let go in my office today. Well the people on the third floor. I only know about 4 of them and when I say know them I mean I know them to see. Anyway im on the late shift this week and you know what happens on the late shift? I get bored and change keys on people's keyboards and reroute their phones and stuff like that.

Well anyone who has worked in an office knows what happens when someone leaves a company. You take their office shit. So this evening I went upstairs in the lift and treated myself to a beautiful leather whose your daddy chair, that was specifically bought for some dude who had broken his back before. Its very comfy.

Not wanting to be out done, one of my colleagues helped himself to two 19 inch dell monitors and replaced them with one 15 inch Nec and one 14 inch no name piece of shit.

Well Tommy from accounts wasn't having any of this. He wandered upstairs to see what he could come back with.

A PINK FUCKING STABLER!

Then I remembered something horrifying

"Wasn't there a girl sitting at the desk where that pink stabler was?"

Tommy: "Yeah but she was just backing up her personals, so I asked could I have it and she started crying."

Im staring at him in disbelief, he goes back to banging his keyboard.

Its true what they say ACCOUNTANTS ARE WANKERs and if they dont say that Tommy its just you!

Thursday, 26 March 2009

How to get thrown out of a car?

So im not exactly a morning person. Im definately not a 6am person. Well thats when I was woken up today by a toddler, then pushed out of bed at 7. Then told to hurry up after being in shower for half an hour. Then got dirty im late and its all your fault looks. Not being able to eat breakfast she has made as hungover from beer and wine.

Atmosphere is a bit tense in the car its about 8:05, I would still be walking about in my boxers if I was at my place. Ive said nothing, im in a mood for being blamed on the lateness even if it was my fault. Im too early to go to work, I dont have enough money to go get a fancy breakfast somewhere.

Radio 1 is on, conversation non-existant.

Girlie:"Its really quiet, no one is on the streets."
Me:"There all in fuckin bed, where I should be!"

And now im on the pavement laughing my head off. Im such a prick

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time!

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off. "

I dont think anyone would guess what got me thinking of that passage in Fight Club this morning. I was doing my usual morning ritual of shower at 7:45, iron shirt for work at 8 while watching the news, 8:15 get dressed, 8:30 breakfast. Well it goes roughly something like that most days. I watch the first half of Run's house some mornings at is usually on at 08:30am on MTV and shoot out the door at 840. Until this morning that was, this morning I got the pleasure of watching the Hills.

The Hills revolves around the lives of these ridiculously rich good looking people. They all attend interesting courses and have a great intern jobs and live in fancy apartments and go to michelin restaurants every night. No buying a big bag of pasta at the start of the month in case you run out of money for food for those fuckers.

So another question, am I jealous? Sure I want their money but not much else. I think what I am trying to get at is I thought life would be as easy as it appears on the Hills. They all seem to have good jobs but still party every night and live in a great place and nothing seems to be out of their reach. And I know this is a tv show but its suppose to be a reality TV show. Whose fucking reality is this? I dont know anyone who lives in this luxury. Maybe that type of wealth just doesn't exist in Ireland.

Back to me though, maybe I was just delusional. I had no idea why I thought something big was going to happen to me but I was convinced it was and maybe it will but its slowly staring me in the face that I will have to continue down the old career route. FUCK!

What big thing did I think was going to happen to me? Very average at football, very average at everything really. Maybe I thought I would win the lotto. The only thing I have ever tried which potentially could have made me money was when I wrote a book, too many rejection letters can make you feel a tad shite!

Ive realised your suppose to work a job you hate. Well maybe hate is a strong word. I cant say I hate my job. Im writing this blog while at work, how bad can it be? Im not down a mine shovelling coal, life could be worse. And im definately not working so I can buy shit I dont need. Im working as I need a roof over my head, I got bills to pay and I got beers that need to be bought. Im not working so I can have two porsches instead of one. That kind of read like I have a porsche, I dont! Got a bus pass though, yeah baby!

Monday, 23 March 2009

New Blog

Im giving serious thought to doing a tv review blog, the only question is when am I going to get the time to do it? I will have a little think about it! Tv shows im watching lately: Terminator, Scrubs, Shameless and South Park is back on tv, Season 13.

The In Betweeners starts up again next week! Definately worth a watch! New Season kicks off next Thursday 10pm April 2nd, it will be taking Skins slot on E4.

Its good to be the champ!

So last Monday was the last day of my photography course. There were 16 of us in the class and the tutor had told us of a small competition between ourselves that would be held on the last week. The competition was based on night photography (no flash).

I couldn't decide on which photo to choose. He was putting up our photos one by one on a board and I was really hoping we werent going to be ranked 1-16 as I would have placed myself about 12th.

Anyway the tutor thought other wise, so when he said "I think John is a deserved winner", I looked around the class looking for another John until it dawned on me that he actually meant me.

Here's the photo I entered. Oh and I have tried to get some photos uploaded to istockphoto and I have been rejected grrrrrrrrrrr!


Monday, 16 March 2009

Urban Legend: Volume 1

I remember hearing this one as a kid more than a dozen times. Some genius whizkid had somehow managed to fuse a Megadrive and a Super Nintendo together which meant when you turned it on, it was the world's first 32 bit home video game console!

Oh yeah and whizkid/engineer got twenty years in jail for copyright enfringment.

I am giving this an 9.1 on the bullshit monitor.

Friday, 13 March 2009

Dont be giving me attitude biatch!

Ok so I got a new phone (AN IPHONE :) ) and you have to go through that horrible process of adding numbers to it and sending people messages to say this is your new number and deciding who to send it too.

I counted 12 girls numbers on my phone and I cant remember who they are and I realised im a bit of a whore. So they didnt get sent a message. Anyway I texted this one girl I had seen a few times and I kind of let it fizzle out and she didnt really like this. So she sent me a few messages about my iphone will break and I will probably lose it and blah blah blah i have a new boyfriend he's great more blah blah blah

"Dude you need to relax, you should really talk to Ferris...."

Well she rang me and went apeshit and I couldnt stop laughing at the poor girl.

I know ive been blowing my own trumpet a bit in this blog but its Friday, another week has gone by where I haven't been given the bullet, I won money on the horses, I just looked in the mirror and I think im getting better looking with age.

Sometimes you have to remind yourself how much of a fuckin rockstar you really are!

Dave, why losing my job wont be that bad!

At home I have the full Sky package, movies + sports blah blah blah. I pay a good bit of money for this and Im not sure why. I rarely watch any of the movie channels and I might watch one or two football matches on sky every week.

Most of the time my tv channel of choice is DAVE. The channel is called Dave because apparently everybody knows a bloke called Dave. Its a great channel for when you just went to vedge after a hard night on the sauce.

Whats funny about this channel is all its content is BBC back catalogs. It main shows are Top Gear, Mock the Week and Never mind the Buzzcocks. If I lose my job I can see alot of days spent in front of the tv watching DAVE. That wouldn't be so bad now would it?

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Bad taste Jade Goody joke of the day

"Jade has asked to be cremated and her ashes put into small silk bags and passed to all the mourners at the service, so everybody gets a Goody bag!"

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Where I live....

In a little town called Winton. It has five pubs, two of which are rough as fuck and you wouldn't send your worst enemy in there for a piss. So of course I have been in both of them.

It has more charity clothes shops than actually clothes shops, not that you would buy clothes from any of these stores. It used to have a Woolworths until they went tits up. There seems to be an endless amount of little cafe's that can only actually hold about 8 people and you can never get a table.

Of course Winton has its own Aldi, haven't set foot in it yet. Apparently its cheap for fruit and veg. We also have a pizza hut but its take away only, we don't have a restaurant. We have a shitty Italian restaurant that I went to nearly a year ago and it was fucking revolting. A Dominoes and some other Pizza joint, a shitty chipper and about twenty chicken balls and curry sauce joints.

Winton also has its very own Bingo Hall and youth club. Go to the bingo hall to grab a granny and go to the youth club to get mugged by some 12 year old Reggie Kray.

Wintons proudest moment of late was the opening of a Weatherspoons on the main street, local chavs estimate its saving them £200 a year on their beer for benefits scheme.

All in all, a wonderful place.

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Paddy flying!

Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester. The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower and says 'Help, HELP! Easter, Pancake Tuesday, New Year's Eve, Bank Holiday Monday, Halloween, Valentine's Day!"


Voice comes back and says, for fucks sake Paddy, it's Mayday!!

Would you put your phone number on facebook?

I have 300 odd friends on Facebook for some reason. Probably 50 from Ireland, 50 from Tenerife and 50 from England who the rest are is anyone's guess.

There is a page on facebook where you can add your contact details. I have seen this on the news feed page numerous times where you see someone has updated their contact details on their page. Basically giving their number and address, isnt this all a step too far?

I use Facebook quite a bit, its nice to say hello to people you havent seen in a while on the chat function and be tagged in old pics but I dont want these people having my mobile number to ring me at 4am to have a conversation about "remember when......"

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

The Owl, the footballer and the wedding

Well isn't that a perfectly normal blog post title. Rio Ferdinand is going to marry his longterm girlfriend sometime in the summer and when they do the bit with the rings at the altar. The best man, (either his brother or some Man Utd player) will lift up there arm and the owl will come from the back of the church and land on the best mans owl glove. The best man will then proceed to remove the rings from a pouch that has been placed around the owls neck and hand the rings over to the couple.

HAS EVERYONE GONE MAD!

100th Blog Post! My blogs first birthday!

So I got dragged into this blogging nonsense over a year ago. I just checked and it was my blogs first birthday on Monday so its kind of nice now that this is my 100th post.

My first blog was rather shite, it consisted of two whole sentences and it was me basically having a rant from the start.

http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2008/03/little-miss-sunshine.html


To be fair I didnt really get into the whole thing, until I put it on my New Year's resolutions list, to try and do over 20 blog posts per month. Last year was a pretty bad performance by me. I only managed to write 2 posts in both June & July. I dont do the whole draft blog thing, I write what comes into my head and throw it out there without proof reading it, so if their are typos and shit, well tough.

I have wrote some blogs that I do quite like though, among a number of poor ones (trying to get this right, stay with me). Here is my five favourite posts I have written, go have a look!

5.http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2008/06/straight-outta-drumcompton.html

4. http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2008/10/words-of-encouragement.html

3. http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2008/06/sean-treacy-and-crocodile.html

2. http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2008/03/little-things-when-you-get-old.html

1. http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2009/01/bowser-and-princesses.html


Thanks for anyone who has read my blog, here is some comments from you that made me laugh.

Anthony said...

At the rate they get kidnapped, I'm kinda thinking the princesses are complicit. Conspiracy storylines in Mario may not work though.


(in reference to http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2009/01/bowser-and-princesses.html)

Anonymous said...

I love a good communist party!

(in reference to http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2009/01/marx-fella.html)

Maxi Cane said...

As soon as you do a search for a web domain it automatically gets registered.

Congrats, you've taken the greatest domain name off the market.

(in reference to http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2009/01/websites-that-arent-bought-yet.html)

Abby_is_FUBAR said...

BAH HA HA HA 'Buxom Women' I'm sorry but that statement alone is funny as shit....


...I'm still laughing

Males make better chefs?

I remember a few times we were unfortunate enough to have to experience my fathers cooking. It was so bad the dog wouldn't eat it. I remember him putting onions in beans once. Yes actually chopping up an onion, putting it into a pot with beans and infusing the two. It was vile.

My mother was an alright cook. It was typical Irish food: meat, spuds and some other veg most of the time. She did occasionally I remember cook this ridiculous hot curry and we always had a roast on a Sunday. Nothing too adventurous, I think she was better at cooking cakes than anything else. She used to make these all the time at Xmas, I remember she sold a few one year. They mainly went to relatives and friends.

I worked in a few restaurants over the years and all the chefs seemed to be male. On tv, Gordo Ramsay seems to have about five different tv shows on at prime times. Is he even a chef anymore? I know he does a bit on tv, but has he recently spent a whole month cooking in one restaurant? Where is the female chefs on late night tv. I want good looking women making chocolate shaped boobs!!!

Im just wondering why there seem to be more male chefs but very few who cook at home. Its starting to change a bit now. Ive gone out with girls who couldn't pull together a bowl of Corn Flakes for you in the morning. Maybe its the late night work that attracts men to being chefs. They work till around 11 then dont have to be back in until the next evening.

Ok ive lost myself in this blog now, im sure theirs a point in there somewhere.

I made my own soup today from scratch, and its kinda nice!

Friday, 27 February 2009

Friday Photo - George Best Shape up & Dance?


Was crawling around the web looking for a good picture of George Best to use for Friday photo and stumbled upon this. MAry Stavin & Georgie had some records out in the 80s to cash in on the get fit vibe that fell across the nation apparently. I think its hilarious. And if girls at my gym looked like Mary I might go more.

Just googled her and she is a former Miss world. Well nothing but the best for our George and if that wasnt enough she was a Bond girl in not one but two Bond movies Octopussy and A view to a kill. And yes Georgie did get his leg over, what a man!

Iphone baby

Yes I cracked and got one on a 18th month contract. Im seriously contemplating not going to the pub after work and going home to play with it. Anyone know any good apps to buy? Does redtube work on the iphone?

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Google Ads Competition

Since my housemate has started his own blog to have a rant at life, I noticed he had put google ads on his page. I dont see these on many peoples blogs. We have decided to have a competition. First to make a pound off Google ads wins. Loser has to buy the winner a case of beer. I think it might take about a year to earn a pound though, the beer will taste sweet when I win though. You can check out Gimps blog at the link below and no I dont know why his nickname is Gimp.

http://bringoutmygimp.blogspot.com

Irish Blogger gets slammed by Ryanair reported on Wired.com!

Just seen this on wired.com, Jason thought he had found a glitch in the Ryanair system and wrote a blog on it and then some Ryanair staff came on and gave him some grief (nothing new there). CNN confirmed that the comments had come from Ryanair and when they rang to question Ryanair about it they got an earful too.

Gotta love the Ryanair policy "Get on the plane and shut the fuck up"

I think this is my third blog on Ryanair.

Id give my right nut to get on the cover of Wired magazine, getting an article written on there website about you is pretty cool too. See the links below. Oh and TOners was the first to comment on Jasons blog, KING OF THE NERDS!

http://www.jason-roe.com/blog/free-ryanair-free-flight-bug/

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/TRAVEL/02/25/ryanair.blog/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

http://blog.wired.com/cars/2009/02/ryanair-slams-p.html

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

How not to make someone redundant!

My housemate is finding out today whether he is being made redundant or not. He and thirty other employees got a letter yesterday stating that 14 members of staff would be let go and there job was at risk. They have a staff of about 60 he has told me so basically 30 got put at risk yesterday and there having meetings all day today to see who is getting the boot.

He emailed me a few minutes ago to tell me the latest

"well according to someone whos alreayd been in a meeting it was explained that theres 3 people and the cad manager whos to stay...theres only 6 of us so thats 2 to go...also that document handling will be done with cad from now so that means i might have a small chance of staying as the currrent print monkey will get the boot and i know how to use everything as i was the print monkey before that...

theres a possibility...im still sh*tting it though"

I prefer the way they have been doing it in my job. THey call you into a meeting at 9am tell you your gone, pack your stuff, leave that day with a months pay then you get your redundancy after that.

Imagine having to sit there waiting to see if your being made redundant. Ridiculous, im sure there whole office hasn't done any work today. Just sitting around waiting to see who gets the chop. Bad for morale, apparently if you sack people on a Friday they cause less of a scene too.

I wished my friend good luck and told him id give him 20 quid for his 40 inch HD tv if he was stuck for money, im too nice for my own good.

Further update from the man himself, this is the first of three redundancy meetings he will be having over the next three weeks. I told him to claim the boss would save his job if my mate sucked his cock and then demand to paid for the next 5 years as an outside consultant who never had to come to work and if his boss refused, I instructed my friend to headbutt the wall until his head exploded and say his boss attacked him.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Glastonbury

Bruce Springsteen has been confirmed for Glastonbury and Im pretty excited. Just hoping that Blur get confirmed as well and living in dream world now but AC/DC too. I might actually stay a bit sober and clear headed if that dream came true. Oh no wait I wouldn't.

Dear Paddy (Volume 1)

"Dear Paddy,

I DIDN'T get aroused at all when I had a private lapdance. Does that mean I’m gay?

I’m an 18-year-old virgin, have been out with a few girls but I’ve never had a serious relationship.

My brother had his 21st last week and we went on a pub crawl and ended up in this club.

We all had a private dance but the girl who danced for me was about 30 and very forceful in getting me to dance with her.

I just felt nervous and embarrassed and didn’t feel any stirrings in the trouser department.

I’m happy to wait until the right girl comes along but all the other guys were saying how hot the women were and I wondered whether this is a sign I’m gay.

What do you think?"


Dear Bob,

I think you made the mistake of going on a pub crawl and then falling into some seedy shit hole. So you got pestered into having a lap dance by some old trout and had twenty beers before that and your wondering why you had a case of Mr.Floppy. If you enter one of these shit holes again be sure to have a good look round for the best looking skank. Not much point in getting a hard on anyway as you wont be able to do much about it till you get home. Oh so in answer to your question yes your a fag, for writing this letter.

Couldnt give a fuck,
Paddy.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Poor so very poor!

As mentioned before I am really shocking at managing money. I have about twenty quid left until Friday. At least there is some food in the fridge and I have paid my bus until March 2nd. I just took two quid down to tesco's in coppers. So a big queue gathered behind me waiting to be served by the only cashier as he counted my coppers to pay for a litre of milk, porridge and a packet of crips. It came to £1.68 and ive 16 coppers left. They make a nice sound in my pocket when I walk :)

you think id be depressed about this but I find it very amusing

Crashing Abbys(Ana) Wedding

Yeah we havent even made hanky panky pie yet!

Saturday, 21 February 2009

Getting dumped

Never nice getting dumped. Worse getting dumped by a text. Not sure what went wrong here. We've been seeing each other since Xmas. She has a daughter and im fine about that. I stayed there quite a bit the last 2 months and we had planned on going on a short holiday to Barcelona in April. I stayed there Thursday night we kissed goodbye in the morning and emailed each other throughout the day. Then got a text at 5 saying blah blah need to concentrate on me right now and my kid more blah blah blah sorry

I thought what the fuck, but shes done this before and then text me about 10 times when she was drunk one night the first one was by "accident" of course. I dont know, im very confused right now. I went straight to the pub after work and drank alot of beer then went and played Street Fighter. After about my 6th pint i get a text off her

"Do you want me to put your jumper in the wash, im putting on a wool wash?x"

what the fuck! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Street FIGHTER 4 = sore thumb!




I dont think I have done this since I was about 12. But ive got a nasty blister on my thumb from bashing the crap out of my playstation pad playing Street fighter, definately worth it!

Friday, 20 February 2009

Nob nation Podcast!

Nob nation is a podcast made by RTE that I subscribe too. Makes me feel a bit closer to home and I find it fuckin hilarious. My favourite character on it is Biffo(Brian Cowen) as he's currently talking about how shite the country is right now in Biffo's Diary.

Biffo "On the international front, ive been ringing my Offaly cousin Bollox O'Bama in Washington but he still wont accept the reverse charges. I suppose he has his hands full with the Israeli situation."

Mícheál: "Gabh mo leithscéal Taoiseach"

Biffo: "What do you want Mícheál? Make it quick!

Mícheál:"Its just im under pressure to provide the Government stance on Israel going forward. Are we for or against calls for a Palestinian state or are we supporting the Jewish state?"

Biffo: "Look it, tell them it doesnt matter what state they think there in. Were in a worse fuckin state over here, now get out before i kick you into Ramadan."

Thursday, 19 February 2009

A pikey handshake

Last night I hosted a pro evo competition down the pub. Typically I got knocked out in the group stages but that left me plenty of drinking time. After the champion had been crowned we played a four player game. These two pikies asked if they could play on one of the other 3 playstations we had set up in the room. All of a sudden we noticed the screen went blank, we all looked over. They looked away.

"What the fuck are yous doing?"

I walked over they had unplugged the leads and were probably just about to do a runner. Of course this pikey was screaming at us for being suspicious of him and his mate and threatened to glass my friend blah blah blah. We all stood up and I thought it was going to kick off like something out of Snatch. Then the pikey said something incomprehensible in his drunk stupor, spat on his hand and offered it to my mate. We all shook this knackers hand and they fuckin left.

It wasn't that funny then, cant stop laughing now.

Friday, 13 February 2009

THe one handed bandit!

I have a friend who has a bit of a deformed hand and before you think im a right bastard he takes the piss out of it more than me. On one of his hands his fingers only go to just past his knuckes. He was born like this and his hand is not like this for any of the following reasons that we have made up over the years.


"His hand got stuck in the honey like Winnie the Poo."
"His dad gave him a lit black cat banger to hold."
"His hand got stuck fisting some bloke."
"Chopped it off in woodwork class."

Anyway, I was in tescos today when Charlie rang me. He's laughing really hard trying to tell me something. Ozzie has a job interview as a hotel porter and Charlie and Marko have a bet of a hundred euro on the outcome. Charlie is going for him not getting the job as he thinks you need two good hands for carrying luggage.

He then put on his best American accent

"Hey buddy, I aint got all fucking day. I gotta catch the red eye."

Best review ever!




Found this on play.com still not 100% sure its a pisstake, there are alot of people out there living virtual lives!

"I have a mate who works on the buses and he is always telling me how great his job is. Well now i can experience his thrills and realise how lucky he is - yet he gets paid for it.

The excitement of this game is unreal, the thrill of seeing a queue of people is unrivalled - knowing that your the only person who can help them. I now know where my mate is coming from and why is always so tired in the evenings. He recommended this game for me as he uses it at weekends to keep things "Ticking over"

At £15, a bargain, roll on Bus Simulator 2009 !!!

ps can we have routemasters and also be able to edit the drivers looks please"

Who I am in three steps!

In my early blogging days I wrote a blog on a neighbor of mine nearly getting killed by a crocodile in Cancun during his sisters wedding.

http://paddyinengland.blogspot.com/2008/06/sean-treacy-and-crocodile.html

Well a wildlife production company seen my blog, I presume they got my email from blogger which led to gmail and from there they got my real name and emailed me on facebook.

Hi John,

I have already emailed you in fact, but thought I would write a message to you here as well as Facebook often gets checked more than emails. My name is Susie Povey and I am doing some research for Tigress Productions here in bristol about human-animal conflict. I came across your blog 'The Adventures of Another Paddy in England'. The assistant producer is extremely keen to talk to Sean about his experience in cancun for a new television series we are producing. Please can you help me? Could you put me in touch with Sean, some contact details perhaps?

Thank you so much for your help,

Susie Povey

I had a bit of a hangover today, so told her to go away. Shes just going to have to try harder for a runner and ring every Treacy in the phonebook. Expecting me to do her work for her! The fuckin nerve!

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Conversations with the mother!

Ma: "Hows work?"
me: "Grand...."
Ma: "I seen your sisters engagement ring at the weekend. There going to get engaged on valenties i think."
me: "How much did it cost?"
Ma: "Around 7 thousand."
me: "cool."
Ma: "Have you got a lady for valentines day?"
me: "Unless, I find one on the way home."
Ma: "haha."

She tells my father what I said, he laughs too.

Ma: "Make sure its not a street monkey."

I was in work using there phone to call internationally as I wouldnt dream of wasting my money. So naturally i burst out laughing on my headset and the whole office was staring at me. I wasnt sure if my mother was being racist or talking about prostitutes but she hadnt said something to me like this before and I couldnt stop laughing.

me: "I dont think thats the politically correct term, i better go."

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Managing Money




Ok so I official suck at this and have spent the morning shouting at some asshole from my bank. Last month I was 81 pence overdrawn due to a direct debit. I noticed this one night when I was checking my account. So I rang up Abbey and they told me not to worry, I wouldn't be charged blah blah blah. Got my statement in today I have been charged £37 quid. NOT A HAPPY BUNNY!

I once temp'd for RBS and at the time my job was to send a templated letter back to customers complaining about overdraft fines. There was a few different steps to try and get the customer to basically fuck off.

1.If this was the customers first complaint, they got an immediate rejection unless there was an accompanying letter requesting the bank to attend a case brought forward by the ombudsman. In this case if the sum was less than a thousand the bank paid as it was cheaper than going to court.

2. Second complaint letter was also rejected. We had a second reject correspondence letter.(You can see how much fun this job was)

3. Third letter same process

4. Fourth letter they gave you the amount of the fine back.


I dont mind the fine that much, its the fact that a member of there staff told me I wouldnt be fined. I actually asked her should I go down and deposit a pound into my account so I wouldnt pay a fine and she told me there was no need. If I had done that my fine would have been £25 quid less. IM IN A MOOD!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, 9 February 2009

My Top 25

Currently working through the top 25 films taken from the American Film Institute's list of the 100 Greatest Movies. I have watched Casablanca and on the Waterfront over the weekend. They were good movies, I wont be going out of my way to watch them again though. I therefore decided to write my own list. Most of these films were made in the 90s and it was tough leaving some out. I think a few films didnt make my cut as I have seen them so many times Im kinda bored with them. Apart from my number 1. Could watch that everyday!

1.The Matrix
2.Jerry Maguire
3.American Beauty
4.High Fidelity
5.Fight Club
6.Forrest Gump
7.Tombstone
8.Clerks
9.Office Space
10.Swingers
11.The King of Kong: A fistful of quarters
12.Coming to America
13.Igby goes down
14.Tommy Boy
14.American History X
15.Almost Famous
16.Home Alone
17.The Shawshank Redemption
18.Terminator 2: Judgement Day
19.Dawn of the Dead
20.Boiler room
21.Sideways
22.Young Guns
23.Die Hard
24.One Flew over the cuckoos nest
25.Pulp Fiction

"Dude, your a sick fuck!"

An 18-year-old Wisconsin man is being charged with using Facebook to extort sex from boys by threatening to expose nude pictures of them he obtained by acting as girls on the social-networking site.

Ok, this is on a whole new level of creepy. We have all seen the profiles on several different social networks of some "girl" half naked claiming to be a lesbian and for other lesbians to get in touch. I remember reading on someone elses blog or magazine that 95% of these accounts were fake and basically it results in desperate men emailing pics of some girl to other desperate men who they assume are women. Im going to get a cold drink, writing this has turned my stomach a bit.

This guy obviously isn't the full shilling. Here is the list of what he has been charged with possession of child pornography, soliciting sex with minors and making a bomb threat by e-mail to teachers at his high school in November. He's in the slammer at the moment as his bail is $250,000 for some reason. In another crazy high school story from America, a boyfriend and girlfriend both 17 have been charged with having child pornography on there phone. Sexual pictures of each other. Just another crazy day in America!

Friday, 6 February 2009

Students stop drinking? Operation Dutch Gold?




I love a bit of Wikipedia, heres some of what it had to say about the drink I like to call central heating for knackers

"In 2006, the Gardaí launched a campaign against anti-social behaviour in Lucan under the name 'Operation Dutch Gold'. The distributors of the product, Comans Wholesale of Tallaght, complained that the naming of the project was unfair to them.[4]

There has been a move away from a drinking culture in Irish student society. But, nonetheless, University College Dublin has a Dutch Gold Appreciation Society."


And what the fuck are students playing at these days? Learning stuff? THere has been a move away from drinking? WTF? I think I need to go back to Uni Homer Simpson style and teach them how to party down!

Thursday, 5 February 2009

A bit of good news

Just before Xmas I was told my contract would not be extended for another year as originally planned but for 3 months. There would be a review in March to see if I could then have another 3 months. In January it was announced that six staff from our team of 32 would be losing there jobs. I dont count in this number, I am actually number 33 but my wages are paid out of some other budget. I dont really understand it so I wont go into it. Im basically the foosball table they have in the corner that costs alot of money. Anyway, I have been told my job is now safe until July 7th when it will go under another review, so Im off to get drunk, toodles!

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Duane Michals

My tutor showed us some of this guys photographs the other night at class, it takes a bit for me to be impressed but this is fuckin genius.






































Making an auld mix cd!

"The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules."

Yeah well I dont have Nick Hornbys number so someone will have to help me out. This is a cd for a certain someone. Never done this before, flowers and a red thong is alot easier. How many songs are you suppose to put on a mix cd? Somewhere between 12 and 20?

Now what to put on it? I only have one song in my head that I want to put on it. Its Ham Sandwiches Keep Sake. Now for the other fuckin 11 or 19. Do I put songs on it I like? Or songs I think she would like? Is that the same thing? The only concert I know shes been to is Take That in the summer but wasn't every girl? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Thing Il go with a single red rose and a red thong

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Sonas status!

Ive been working from home all day today as the police made the buses stop service around here.

Me: "Alright, will the buses be still running at 9 tonight."
Bus driver: "Yeah of course mate."

We managed to travel a whole one stop.

Bus driver:"Im sorry the police have been onto to us and have instructed us we cannot take you any further."

Went home logged in the work laptop, turned on my own laptop. Seen Sona (who is a total babe) status "is loving the way that snow can even make TALLAGHT look pretty :)"

OH YEAH BUY SONA VITAMINS THEY MAKE YOU BIG AND STRONG
javascript:void(0)
www.sona.ie

Monday, 2 February 2009

How my goals for 2009 are going so far

At the start of January I did a blog on five things I wanted to achieve in 2009. Here is a little update on them.

1. Started my photography course - really enjoying it. Class four tonight, I will have to walk home in the snow ahhhhhh!

2. Pass driving test - Still haven't applied for an English Driving license whoops. (ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT)

3.Go on a different type of holiday - Not even sure if I will get to go on a holiday this year. Will have a better idea in about a month if my contract is getting extended. Not very confident on this one. Im the last of the mohicans (contracters) here at the moment. Oh well at least I have Glastonbury to look forward to.

4.Start coming to work on time? - Nope still consistently late, then again my bus crashed too, wasn't too much I could do about that one.

5.Build a mame cocktail table. - Got some construction blueprints and realised it would be alot cheaper to buy the damn thing. If I can get an old busted one on ebay that needs new parts and the cpu replacing might be tempted. The 4 main panels I would need to build the frame were £98 quid a piece and that was with an employee discount. Need to look into this more.


Thats my list for the year, bit too easy isnt it. Gonna add another!

6. Read five books a month. - This month I will be reading The Watchmen, Anne Franks diary, The Game and Its not about the Bike.

The Watchmen - I have heard too many conversations on this comic and I want to be able to throw in my two cent.

Anne Franks diary - I think everyone knows about this sad true story, I know how it ends but I am still looking forward to reading it.

The Game - Is written by Neil Strauss, its suppose to be about his sexual conquests but no one is entirely sure if this little bald man is telling the truth.

Its not about the bike - Is the autobiography of Lance Armstrong and his battle against cancer

Thursday, 29 January 2009

4am phone calls and Prince Harry

The only times my friends from Ireland seem to ring me these days is when they are absolutely shit faced. And me being too nice to ignore there calls entertain them.

Me:' Alright man, its 4 in the morning whats up?"
Mo chara: "iiiii knnnowww how Harryy feels"
Me: "Who the fuck is Harry?"
Mo chara: "friiiiince harry, your future kinggggggg, his bird just dumped him too"
me: "cool, might add her on facebook. not adding your ex though, she was rough"
mo chara: "Whaddya say?"
me: "nothing man, talk to ya tomorrow. go to bed.
mo chara: "i rrrring yaa up anddd now ya wonnt talk

So we talk for a few minutes and im telling him a story about this strange bloke in work, next thing i can hear the fucker snoring. I was going to plug in my mobile, not hang up and let him get a huge bill but in the end i didnt plug it in, battery must have went after an hour or two. im far too nice for my own good!

The List?

1.CITIZEN KANE (1941)
2.CASABLANCA (1942)
3.GODFATHER, THE (1972)
4.GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
5.LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)
6.WIZARD OF OZ, THE (1939)
7.GRADUATE, THE (1967)
8.ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
9.SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)
10.SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)
11.IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)
12.SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950)
13.BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI, THE (1957)
14.SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
15.STAR WARS (1977)
16.ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
17.AFRICAN QUEEN, THE (1951)
18.PSYCHO (1960)
19.CHINATOWN (1974)
20.ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975)
21.GRAPES OF WRATH, THE (1940)
22.2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
23.MALTESE FALCON, THE (1941)
24.RAGING BULL (1980)
25.E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)


I always considered myself a bit of a movie buff but this list has put me to shame. This is the top 25 films taken from the American Film Institute's list of the 100 Greatest Movies. I have only seen 7 of the top 25. I haven't even heard of a few. I think it just shows I am still relatively young. The 7 I have seen were made between 1972 and 1993. The only one between that time that made the cut that I havent seen is Chinatown. Im a big fan of Nicholson and sometimes wonder why these films are rarely if ever on tv. I have the complete Sky Package and National Treasure has been on every night for the last two weeks on the movie channel.

If I can get my hands or find them online I am going to watch all these films by the end of February. Bit of task 25 films in a month but sleeping is for the weak! Films I am really looking forward to seeing on this list are Chinatown, Psycho and The Graduate.

V-day

Yeah its getting close to that time of year when you will see alot of confused men in Ann Summers picking up the last outfit in there that their partners would find attractive. And dont worry they wont be shy in telling ya that you have shite taste. Shopping for women is pretty damn horrible. Thats why I usually stick to some sort of white flowers and some spa treatment voucher when giving presents to a female. The Spa treatment vouchers are a good one, cos they think its really thoughtful but you can buy them online haha.

Anyway its that time of year, im single but fuck no I wont be spending valentines on my own. Im far too vain for something like that. I dont care if I have to ring every bird I know, someone is getting taken out to some poxy restaurant where the waitress will rush us and the chef wont cook our food properly as he is doing too much and we will probably have to eat from a set menu. Load of me arse. SO why do we all do it? The same reason I will be taking someone out on the 14th, do you really want to be the odd one out?

Its a bit of a bullshit point but I would say roughly 30% of my close friends have girlfriends/boyfriends but I bet around 60-70% will have a date on the 14th. And I dont want to come into the question at work "What you do last night?", which of course some smug asshole whose girlfriend has a face like a boiled boil will ask. I have been in this stupid routine since I was about 14 or 15. Last year was the first year I broke it. I had only been living in Bournemouth a month and I wasn't about to fly home to Dublin just for one night. Last year we had a bit of a drunk night out with my new housemates on the 14th and a few of there friends. What do you think happened? We all paired off and I awoke staring at a ceiling I didn't recognise. Are we all a bit insecure about this? If its just a commercialised marketing event, they have done a very good job.

Do i really care? Facebook statuses

Pamela is a funky monkey from Chinatown

Claire is available for photoshoots

Brian is in work, spending his day on facebook

Zara is pulling her thong out of her ass

Anthony is twittering

PaddyinENgland is writing a blog on all your statuses


And the word statuses, ridiculous!

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

21 Weeks to Glastonbury



Got my ticket! CANT WAIT!

I am going to try and get a bit more organised this year so I dont find myself in the usual situation where I have to buy all that I need for the festival on the day.

On Friday I will be ordering my first two items I will need for my messy week. I had neither when I went last year. First item is the Maglite Boxed Mini Mag AA Torch - Blue, that will cost me just under £10 english pounds, so its probably about €40 in Ireland. This is a necessity after last year when I went for a 4am piss in the darkness I fell into a bunch of nettles as I didnt realise there was a big hole in the ditch, whoops. And yes I did manage to get my cock back in my trousers before it landed in the nettles, my hands and forehead got the worst of it.

Second thing is a decent rucksack. Dont do what I did last year and bring one school size rucksack and have to carry your sleeping bag and tent in your arms. You can get a really good one on amazon for £30, you can detach the front part of it and use it as well a smaller rucksack. What I really want though is one of those bags with a funnel that you can have on your back and walk around having a drink. YEAH HERES TO GETTING FUCKED and not throwing all your drugs out the window of your VW van at the first sign of a sniffer dog! :(

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Shameless- Series 6 starts tonight




Now, nobody's sayin the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me - Frank GALLAGHER - and me kids, who im proud of! 'Cause every single one of them reminds me a little... of me. They can all think for themselves! Which they've me to thank for. Fiona! Who's a massive help. Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him 'Philip' anymore. Ian - a lot like his mam which is handy for the others 'cause she's disappeared into thin air. And Carl! We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons; 1, it stands on end and makes him look like Toya and 2, nits love him. Debbie! Sent by God, total angel. You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour. Plus Liam! Gunna be a star! Once we've got the fits under control. Steve; Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there... NOT. Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica! Lend you anythin' - well, not anythin'. But all of them to a man... who knows first and formost the most vital necessity is this life is they know how to throw a PARTY! Heh heh... Scatter!

Monday, 26 January 2009

The Marx FELLA

'Owners of capital will stimulate the working class to buy more and more of expensive goods, houses and technology, pushing them to take more and more expensive credits, until their debt becomes unbearable. The unpaid debt will lead to bankruptcy of banks, which will have to be nationalised, and the State will have to take the road which will eventually lead to communism'.



Karl Marx, Das Kapital, 1867 

Jaysus, how come no one told us this? FUCKERS!

Friday, 23 January 2009

Friday Photo (Brunette Season)




This is Minka Kelly from Friday Night Lights and shes got the whole girl next door thing going on, if you live next door to Hugh Hefner.

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Websites that arent bought yet.

www.yourma.com

www.randomdatabase.com

www.drumcompton.com

www.ifeelonit.com

www.eamondunphy.com

Telemarket fuckers!


Got a call on my mobile today. Some telephone marketing asshole, im very suspicious when talking to these fucks. While writing this I think I have realised how it all happened. Here's our conversation, im me and TSF is telemarket fucker

Me:"Hello."
TMF:"Hi, how are you today?
Me:"Whose this?"
TMF:"Im Claire, Im from freemobileUK and we see that you are coming to the end of your phone contract.
Me:"What? Are you part of O2?"
TMF:"No wer'...
Me:"How did you get my number and my details?"
TMF:"Off a random database..."

I HANG UP

I rang O2 to complain, they didn't know how they would have got my details, the girl joked maybe they have been through my rubbish. STUPID BITCH. She obviously knew how but she wasn't telling me, I think I have worked it out now.

When I took out my contract over a year ago, a few days after I was receiving calls asking me would I like to buy insurance from them for my phone. O2 obviously sold my details on to these assholes and they now have sold them onto another phone group. Now you might say its a breach of a law to tell another company my contract details but they didnt have to. They just told them when they got the details and know 18 months from that day is the end of my contract. FUBAR!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

So this Obama bloke?

I havent really got into the hype. I think a year from now, the troops will still be over in Iraq and Afhganistan and maybe somewhere else. Were at the start of a recession which just appears to be getting worse and worse. We may just about come out of it in four years with a bit of luck.

His new rules made me smile a bit. Perhaps he never took a back hander or brown envelope but to think he can wipe it out is naive.
"The new rules ban aides from lobbying the administration when they leave his staff. Officials are also banned from receiving gifts from lobbyists."

Announcing the pay freeze for senior officials, Mr Obama said: "Families are tightening their belts, and so should Washington."

This is happening in my company too, senior officals get a pay freeze, ordinary staff get sacked.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Footloose


After a stupid amount of alchol on Friday, I found myself in an familar spot on Saturday. Sprawled out on the couch, drinking alot of sugary drinks, trying to get back in shape for Saturday night. Flicking through the channels, absolutely nothing on. I settle for Footloose.

Im not sure if I would put this down as a bad way to spend an hour and a half of your life. It was one of those films that was so bad it was good. Starting with the ridiculous storyline. A teenager who was raised in Chicago. Ren McCormack (Kevin Rasher) moves to a small town where the town government has banned dancing and rock music. Poor old rasher just wants to have a dance and get his wicked way with the Reverend's Daughter. This film sucks ass, its just so terrible its hard to put into words. Ive never been a Kevin Rasher fan. He has never convinced me in any role he has played, he always has that bored I dont want to be here look on his face.

All this still didnt stop me downloading the soundtrack which is pure 80s keyboard cheese. Kenny Loggins bringing us "Footloose" and "I'm Free (Heaven Helps the Man)" and a few other cringe worthy songs that girls go mental when they here come on, like Lets Hear it for the boy.

Monday, 19 January 2009

Why that dude added me on facebook?


So I got to the bottom of it. He started some gay group about us all being in one of either two first class classes and tagged me in my Holy Communion pic. Im the one with the big pissed off head on me. I remember this very clearly, I had been told off by the teacher just before this pic. I was told off alot in school, I was a cheeky little fuck. Not much has changed. Im the one on the left standing right in front of the teacher. THE AULD BITch!

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Preview of 2009 -- my perfect year

January

After a wonderful xmas, there is a mistake in my account and all the money I spent while home at xmas hasnt been taken off my balance. I start my photography course and fall in love with a blonde Asian who cooks me all sorts of exotic dishes.

February

Blonde Asian gets deported after links with Triads. Triads give me £10k for hiding five Asians in my shed for a weekend. Become slightly irritated at photo course but still shine brightly. Travel to Edinburgh to see cousins to get cheered up. Drink lots of beer and remember stories from my childhood in the country. Win best paddyinengland award at blog awards.


March

Given a small part in a low budget horror which will go on to gross over a £100 million when its released. Travel to Cardiff, Ireland destroy Wales in Rugby, I rub salt in the wounds of the Welsh by shagging Charlotte Church.

April

Celebrate my 26th birthday in Vegas, win four million on a dollar slot machine. Get comped with the fuckin Rainman suite. Buy the penthouse apartment in moo lane temple bar, buy huge Victorian style house in Bournemouth, buy GT 500.


May

I have £1.2 million left, have been calling in sick to work on a regular basis and I have my first written warning. I pay a doctor £500 to give me a 6 month sick note, explaining that I am very stressed with the state of the world and need a complete break. I spend the rest of May planning the rest of my year.

June

I come up with a brillant new idea for a website, it brings in a steady income and I can give two of my unemployable friends a job. I go to Glastonbury and see Elvis play on the mainstage.

July

Website reaches 80,000 members, I have to fire one of my friends for trying to put his dick in the printer.

August

Im tired and go here to relax

www.atlantis.com

After been on a waiting list for 10 hours I get my Man Utd season ticket.

September

Watch Man Utd beat Real Madrid 6-0, Rooney scoring 5 and Ronaldo scoring a 46 yard free kick which rips the net and smacks a fat man in the face.

October

I sell my website for 5 million and buy an apartment in Tenerife, spend the rest of the month there drinking heavily and contemplating life.

November

Spend the month mainly on Ryanair flights between Bournemouth and Dublin and making the perfect pancake.

December

Elvis gets Britney pregnant, Michael Jackson becomes the first champion of celebrity UFC, I eat alot of TUrkey.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

THE SMILEY FACE, RIDICULOUS


OK I may be the stupidest man on the planet but I was looking at my screen from a funny angle today, I was sending my friend a smiley face on our work instant messenger and realised I had never noticed if you turn a colon and a right bracket 90 degrees, it gives you a smiley face. I honestly just thought it was a msn and phone shortcut to give you a picture of a smiley face.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Why would you want to be my friend? (On facebook)

Weather: Shitty
Bank Balance : Around the -400 mark -- only 17 days till payday :)
Mood: Energetic
Drinking: Agua
Music: Richard Ashcroft - Keys to the World
Reading: Tony Parsons - One for my baby



Logged into facebook last night, the usually nonsense 44 notifications about shit I didnt need to know. Note to self dont ever be the camera man for an event again and then post the photos on your own page for people to tag and comment. After browsing through that nonsense, I noticed I had a friend request. Who the fuck is Steve MC?

I clicked on his name and fortunately it wasn't set to completely private, I could go in and view some of his photos. I also noticed we had one friend in common, a girl I knew from DCU. Click on photos, oh so thats who you are! Steve MC is not a dj, hes a Mac something. I think I know what his full name is but I wont divulge it here, in case he googles his name someday. (I think I do this about once a month, sad I know. I do find myself eventually on page 8 with a film review I did for film ireland)

Anyway he's a dude from primary school, he was in my class for a few years. Nice bloke, didnt beat me up or steal lunch money. I dont remember us being friends in school or anything. If I passed him on the street now, I would probably nod a hello and move on. Is that enough to be a facebook friend? I used to see him in Quinns when I was about 18, he was going out with a girl I kind of know but even shes not on his facebook friend list so why am I? I dont know, what was I suppose to do reject him? Thoughts on a postcard, or leave a comment.