Thursday, 30 October 2008

Fred Fuckin Savage

Everyone remembers this little shit, its Kevin Arnold from the Wonder Years. You know that show, theme music Little help from my friends, a brother who beats him up, a sister who is the town bike and a best mate who as urban legend has it is now Marilyn Manson. So this show is basically narrated by an older more cynical Kevin who looks back on his time trying to get in Winnie Coppers pants.

I ended up watching the whole first series on youtube a few weeks back. In the pilot kevin explains that his school has just been renamed after Robert Kennedy due to someone sticking a cap in his ass and Winnies brother has just got blown up in Vietnam. Anyway this back and forth shit with Kevin and Wendy went on for five seasons. In the epilogue of the final episode, it is revealed that Winnie goes on to study art history in Paris. Kevin and Winnie write a letter to each other every week for eight years until she returns. Despite their long romance, by the time Winnie returns to the US in 1982 Kevin is married to someone else. NOW THATS BULLSHIT!

Anyway that bloke has basically disappeared off the planet. Apart from Wonder Years the only other thing I remember him being in was The Wizard. That was one of those films that was so bad it was good. I just looked for a movie poster for that film and its 50 damn quid. It did introduce us to Mario Brothers 3 and the nintendo power glove. Just goes to show how Nintendo ruled the world in the late 80s early 90s. They made a film just to promote a game. Mario went from strength to strength by powering up with mushrooms maybe Kevin or Fred Savage as he's called now should have done the same.

Friday, 24 October 2008


Not trying to sound like a very old man, but the chav situation in the UK is ridiculous. Unfortunately for me I live on a road full of them. There is also a youth club at the end of the street. What this club does for these 13-16 years old is beyond me. All I ever see them doing is abusing people walking by, including myself. Had the misfortune of bumping into them one night recently. I was on the way back from Tescos, ipod on and enjoying a smoke, when I was confronted.

"Hey you, got a smoke?"

I nodded a no, I rarely give people smokes and definately never to a few punk kids. Carried on walking, next thing a can of cheap beer explodes on the ground beside me. The little shits had hurled one at me.

"Well come on then, youuuuuu c*nt." They roared.

So I did what my classroom days had thought me, I picked it up and threw it back. haha did i fcuk. I just kept walking and kept all my anger inside me. I felt a bit like cleanshirt getting heckled by the local kids. Anyway, last night we were on our way to quiz night and that damn youth club is open on a thursday night. My housemates seen these group of kids standing at the top of our road throwing crap at the buses going by and they wanted to walk the long way to the pub. I dont know what I was thinking, its sometimes probably better to avoid these situations but I like doing things the wrong way. My housemates walked the long way, I stubbornly refused and decided to walk through no mans land. Same thing happened again, they threw a bloody can of something at me. Kids must have alot of money these days if they can afford to throw beer at the innocent young professionals like myself. I was in war mode this time and ran at the little shits and they all ran inside the youth club where I was greeted by some youth outreach leader. He didnt believe the story I unravelled to him and basically told me to fCuk off. These were good kids according to him. I explained to him when I catch one of his good kids I was going to kick there arse and this is when he informed me he was calling the police, which led to me running off to the pub like a damn criminal. Im starting my own vigilante group to beat up chav kids, anyone want in?

Monday, 20 October 2008


Dont be making small talk, while smoking at work under the hood!

There is a new janitor in work and he's out to get me. I only met him today, out in the smoking area. He asked me how my weekend was, casual small chat blah blah blah. Then I returned the question.
"Had a quiet weekend, credit crunch and all that, couldnt really afford to go out."
"Yeah what?"
"Emm, yeah I know what you mean?"
"No you dont, you dont work in mainteance."

With this he threw his cig on the ground, threw me a dirty look while stamping on his cig. Im afraid to go for a cig and Im getting the shakes from withdrawal.

Family Guy

Family GUY IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! Just watched a new episode its called "I dream of Jesus". Laughter, laughter and more laughter. There is a song played continually throughout the episode that I cant get out of my head now. Just remember that the bird is the word. The episode is online at surfthechannel. Oh and we learn a bit more on who Stewie can actually talk to and who he cant. I still dont get that really, can anyone shed some light on it. I think they just make up the rules on who Stewie can converse with, as they go along.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008


I am a really good friend and I think most of my friends would agree. One of my friends has joined a film course with 12 other Spielberg wannabe's. Last week was the first class and this week they had been asked to come up with an idea for a short movie. They would pick 2 or 3 to do then from the 12 students. He asked for some constructive critisicm, maybe he asked the wrong guy.....

ME: get your man bag out
so tell me about the script npw
or the idea
or the treatment as you pros call it

jp: ok scene 1 - Man on centre of bridge over motorway, distressed, anxious. Cold, cleak day, sombre music (Character is called Jumper - not 'a jumper')

man going past, joggign, dog walking, seems him distressed, approaches slowly. Tries to calm him down talk him out of it.gets him to tell him what's wrong

he agrees, start scene 2 flashback

me: presuming u meant a bleak day

jp: haha

jp: yeah

me: how can he jog and walk his dog at the sametime

jp: one of the other

me: wheres the rhino

jp: fk off

me i know where ones going cheap

jp: so he takes a call in his car parked, loanshark saying times up, pay me the money now

or else

it's night btw

me: what in the car park or on the bridge

jp: so he sees some bird, looks like she got money

jp: no this is scene2

jp: flashback

jp: starts with call in car

me: you need to get your presentaion skills together, instead of 1 person asking you stupid questions tonight there will 12

jp: so he mugs the bird,but it goes wrong and she gets shot or hit by car

fk u im tyoing



stupid questions

anyway, so he wants to jump because he killed her

back on bridge

me: ok so theres this bird walking around with a couple of grand in her pocket on her own in a carpark at night, that was lucky wasnt it

jp: well maybe some other place

she could be a stripper

they got loads a cash

anyway, he's back on bridge, been hanging onto her id from her wallet

and it turns out its samaritans GF or sister

so he tries to get off bridge as he's too chicken shit

but the smaaritna pushes him of


me: you know why there not going to pick your one

jp: no rhino?

too much death?

me: well obviously thats part of it, but your gonna have to film at day and night, and you need a motorway and a bridge

jp: wow, how will we do that
day and night
yeah it's fked
thats crap
um theres plenty of bridges over dual carriageway

me: how you going to film on a motorway, not like your going to have a permit to close down the road. " BOurnemouth police would like to advise, that the N17 is closed today so JOhn P and his 12 mates from film class can film the death scene

jp: we just use the bridge
im not really gonna make an actor jump off it
anyway, bridge can be clifftop or builind
thanks for the constructive criticism
when i'm rolling in it, making the next batman movie, sticking my dick in Angelina Jolies ear, don't come running to me for a leg-up

me: who goes for a jog on the top of a building

jp: its a treatment john
not a full blown script

me: how did he get the dog up there

jp: your a tosser

me: so are producers

jp: its a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a

me: how you getting the rhino on the roof
maybe he could be running into the wall of the building and thats why he falls off just as he was about to come down

jp: i got a film about an irishman who gets fked by a rhino aka his houstmate kelly

me: yeah that shit would sell


I didn't think Google hired drunks but someone as obviously been putting there 20% personal project time to good use. They have created a new feature within Google mail that automatically kicks in the wee hours at the weekend. The new feature is what I would like to call your guilty conscience. It asks you questions asking you to solve some maths solutions, because sometimes you should wait until the morning to tell someone there a right prick or tell your girlfriend you spent your holiday money on strippers and beer.