Monday, 29 December 2008

Xmas review

I got dragged away from my friends and family today and got thrown back into this thing called the career. Did I really go to college for 5 years to get 5 days off at Xmas? Still better than what the yanks get.

Xmas was amazing this year, it must have been the first time I could actually afford to buy nice things for my family. I think exchanging a present with my eldest sister was the best as she got me the zig and zag dvd and I got her a 16 gig Ipod Nano. She was a tad embarrased, after we had both agreed to twenty quid limits on presents. But still Xmas day had a shit load of gargle and watched Zig and Zag and laughed my ass off.

Stephens day I went down to see the parents country house which I hadnt stepped foot in 7 months after they bought it and found it a very nice pile of bricks. It was hard as usual leaving Dublin this morning and I do sometimes wonder what the hell I am doing over in Bournemouth but im here another 4 months at least after getting my contract renewed, then il see what the craic is Pat!

Monday, 15 December 2008

The Tommy and Hector Show

Just found this podcast very randomly. Tommy Tiernan and his good pal Hector have there own radio show. You can download some podcasts for free off the itunes site. Well worth a listen. I have listened to all there podcasts now, the imaginary race and Tommy dreaming probably being my favourite. There interview with the Ocean Colour Scene goes to show you should definately know something about the band your interviewing before they get to the studio hungover from the night before.


I have got really into the DOD since Roey and his bird wouldnt shut up singing the FAQ song, here's the lyrics, check him out on youtube too.

FAQ for the DOD
FAQ for the DOD
FAQ for the DOD
Frequently asked questions for David O Doherty
FAQ for the DOD

Where Are You From?
I’m from Dublin City
What Are Your Hobbies?
Cycling and Frisbee
What have you got in store for us tonight?
I’m gonna rock your world in quite a gentle way. Like a delicious cake as opposed to a bag of drugs

Do You have a sidekick?
No, I’m the only one in it
Do you stand up at all?
Yes, in a minute.
How would you describe your style of comedy?
I call it very low energy musical whimsy… or Vlemwhi

Apart From Vlemwhi, Do you have any other skills?
I Can, Touch type 40 words a minute, I’ve got a full driving licence with 2 points on it, I’ve a decent knowledge of geography, and a basic award in water safety…
So my gigs very rarely end in drowning…

Where do write your material?
In bed at home
Whats the capital of Botswana?
Gaborone… Geography
What do you think is the secret of a great comedian?
You have to like standing on trains and have quite low self esteem!
Oh, you’re laughing, you must be my friend. Please!

Do you believe in God?
No, None.
Who’s Your favourite beatle?
George Harrison!
How do you know if you’re with the right one, or if you’re not just with this person until the right one comes along?
*pauses* That’s quite a complicated question… and one I have to admit I’m not asked all that frequently. But I’m pretty sure it has something to do with… Not Wanting To get off with other people

FAQ for the DOD

Monday, 24 November 2008

Cigerattes and alcohol and more fucking taxes!

Every year since Caesar battered Pompey there has been an increase in taxes on fags and alcohol. The British finance dude has just announced he is lowering VAT to 15%, a 2.5 drop and to make up for this loss of money he is dumping it on beer and fags. Its the same bullshit in Ireland. How are we going to make more money? Were going to take it off the people who like to have a good time! Well fuck them im off to france to stock up on beer and fags in a transvit van, lets hope I dont get caught.

Friday, 7 November 2008

Engerland Part 1

Its been just over a year since I said a tearful goodbye to my mother and father at Dublin Airport. Its still very fresh in my memory. I had been to London for a three day seminar/interview. The interview consisted of making the hangman game in unix and convincing the sales team you had some social skills. I was given two days to do it and I was really struggling. Near the end one of the first day, one of the other hopefuls gave me some of his code and I kicked on from there. I dont know if I had writers block or nerves or what but once I had a few lines down I was flying. Two very late nights writing code into the wee hours followed and I finally finished Wednesday morning at 2am with something which I thought was decent.

I woke up late for my third day on the course. Half the candidates had not even bothered coming in the third day. We were called one by one from the training room to explain our code to some guru who would give Toners a good run for title of King of the Nerds. After he had ripped me apart for a good hour on unix code I was told I had been accepted. I was pretty ecstatic, I rang my mother and told her before I had even left the building. She was really happy for me and then told me she would be sad to see me go. It only really hit me then that I was leaving. I was on a train to Gatwick to fly back to Ireland but in two weeks I was leaving Ireland for the forseeable future.

I left Ireland for several reasons. After living in Spain for 6 months after Uni it was hard to go back to living at home, I wanted my own space. I had been unsuccessful in landing a job I actually wanted in Ireland. At the time I was temping for the government and was giving serious consideration to taking up a full time job in the civil service. (Not to be confused with my work for Dublin Council, where Toners worked me like a slave) In ways the civil service would have suited me perfectly. It was very relaxed and so was I. My boss basically did his own thing and I did mine. I can remember one week when I didnt even reply to an email or open any work related post. I was a bit of a lazy bastard and thought a year or two abroad fending for myself would serve me well. The consultancy I joined also promised to get me good work at a blue chip client. I also quite liked the idea of living in London.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

News from management!



Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, a n alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

Monday, 3 November 2008 is my bastard site of the week!

I was browsing around Amazon, picking up some books for a penny and then paying £2.80 for it to posted when I decided to go have nosey on (another busy day in work) . I noticed they have a new section labelled tickets. It appears anyone and everyone can put their tickets up for sale on I didn't read into the details and whether you have to pay them a fee for using their site but the fact they are actually doing this has really pissed me off.

I have always refused to buy off touts on principle but its getting all too easy for them now. They dont even have to go out in the pissing rain on the day of the event to try and flog the damn things. I noticed two tickets for the Kings of Leon at Bournemouth and the owner wanted 500 for the pair.

Ticketmaster are not doing enough to combat this nonsense. Last year at Glastonbury you had to upload a photo that was then printed onto your ticket. I dont see why TicketMaster cant have a user database that holds users photos and then prints them onto tickets. If this meant I had to pay an additional two or three quid for the ticket (due to rise in price of printing your pic on the ticket) I would rather pay it than see sites like make money touting tickets.

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Fred Fuckin Savage

Everyone remembers this little shit, its Kevin Arnold from the Wonder Years. You know that show, theme music Little help from my friends, a brother who beats him up, a sister who is the town bike and a best mate who as urban legend has it is now Marilyn Manson. So this show is basically narrated by an older more cynical Kevin who looks back on his time trying to get in Winnie Coppers pants.

I ended up watching the whole first series on youtube a few weeks back. In the pilot kevin explains that his school has just been renamed after Robert Kennedy due to someone sticking a cap in his ass and Winnies brother has just got blown up in Vietnam. Anyway this back and forth shit with Kevin and Wendy went on for five seasons. In the epilogue of the final episode, it is revealed that Winnie goes on to study art history in Paris. Kevin and Winnie write a letter to each other every week for eight years until she returns. Despite their long romance, by the time Winnie returns to the US in 1982 Kevin is married to someone else. NOW THATS BULLSHIT!

Anyway that bloke has basically disappeared off the planet. Apart from Wonder Years the only other thing I remember him being in was The Wizard. That was one of those films that was so bad it was good. I just looked for a movie poster for that film and its 50 damn quid. It did introduce us to Mario Brothers 3 and the nintendo power glove. Just goes to show how Nintendo ruled the world in the late 80s early 90s. They made a film just to promote a game. Mario went from strength to strength by powering up with mushrooms maybe Kevin or Fred Savage as he's called now should have done the same.

Friday, 24 October 2008


Not trying to sound like a very old man, but the chav situation in the UK is ridiculous. Unfortunately for me I live on a road full of them. There is also a youth club at the end of the street. What this club does for these 13-16 years old is beyond me. All I ever see them doing is abusing people walking by, including myself. Had the misfortune of bumping into them one night recently. I was on the way back from Tescos, ipod on and enjoying a smoke, when I was confronted.

"Hey you, got a smoke?"

I nodded a no, I rarely give people smokes and definately never to a few punk kids. Carried on walking, next thing a can of cheap beer explodes on the ground beside me. The little shits had hurled one at me.

"Well come on then, youuuuuu c*nt." They roared.

So I did what my classroom days had thought me, I picked it up and threw it back. haha did i fcuk. I just kept walking and kept all my anger inside me. I felt a bit like cleanshirt getting heckled by the local kids. Anyway, last night we were on our way to quiz night and that damn youth club is open on a thursday night. My housemates seen these group of kids standing at the top of our road throwing crap at the buses going by and they wanted to walk the long way to the pub. I dont know what I was thinking, its sometimes probably better to avoid these situations but I like doing things the wrong way. My housemates walked the long way, I stubbornly refused and decided to walk through no mans land. Same thing happened again, they threw a bloody can of something at me. Kids must have alot of money these days if they can afford to throw beer at the innocent young professionals like myself. I was in war mode this time and ran at the little shits and they all ran inside the youth club where I was greeted by some youth outreach leader. He didnt believe the story I unravelled to him and basically told me to fCuk off. These were good kids according to him. I explained to him when I catch one of his good kids I was going to kick there arse and this is when he informed me he was calling the police, which led to me running off to the pub like a damn criminal. Im starting my own vigilante group to beat up chav kids, anyone want in?

Monday, 20 October 2008


Dont be making small talk, while smoking at work under the hood!

There is a new janitor in work and he's out to get me. I only met him today, out in the smoking area. He asked me how my weekend was, casual small chat blah blah blah. Then I returned the question.
"Had a quiet weekend, credit crunch and all that, couldnt really afford to go out."
"Yeah what?"
"Emm, yeah I know what you mean?"
"No you dont, you dont work in mainteance."

With this he threw his cig on the ground, threw me a dirty look while stamping on his cig. Im afraid to go for a cig and Im getting the shakes from withdrawal.

Family Guy

Family GUY IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! Just watched a new episode its called "I dream of Jesus". Laughter, laughter and more laughter. There is a song played continually throughout the episode that I cant get out of my head now. Just remember that the bird is the word. The episode is online at surfthechannel. Oh and we learn a bit more on who Stewie can actually talk to and who he cant. I still dont get that really, can anyone shed some light on it. I think they just make up the rules on who Stewie can converse with, as they go along.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008


I am a really good friend and I think most of my friends would agree. One of my friends has joined a film course with 12 other Spielberg wannabe's. Last week was the first class and this week they had been asked to come up with an idea for a short movie. They would pick 2 or 3 to do then from the 12 students. He asked for some constructive critisicm, maybe he asked the wrong guy.....

ME: get your man bag out
so tell me about the script npw
or the idea
or the treatment as you pros call it

jp: ok scene 1 - Man on centre of bridge over motorway, distressed, anxious. Cold, cleak day, sombre music (Character is called Jumper - not 'a jumper')

man going past, joggign, dog walking, seems him distressed, approaches slowly. Tries to calm him down talk him out of it.gets him to tell him what's wrong

he agrees, start scene 2 flashback

me: presuming u meant a bleak day

jp: haha

jp: yeah

me: how can he jog and walk his dog at the sametime

jp: one of the other

me: wheres the rhino

jp: fk off

me i know where ones going cheap

jp: so he takes a call in his car parked, loanshark saying times up, pay me the money now

or else

it's night btw

me: what in the car park or on the bridge

jp: so he sees some bird, looks like she got money

jp: no this is scene2

jp: flashback

jp: starts with call in car

me: you need to get your presentaion skills together, instead of 1 person asking you stupid questions tonight there will 12

jp: so he mugs the bird,but it goes wrong and she gets shot or hit by car

fk u im tyoing



stupid questions

anyway, so he wants to jump because he killed her

back on bridge

me: ok so theres this bird walking around with a couple of grand in her pocket on her own in a carpark at night, that was lucky wasnt it

jp: well maybe some other place

she could be a stripper

they got loads a cash

anyway, he's back on bridge, been hanging onto her id from her wallet

and it turns out its samaritans GF or sister

so he tries to get off bridge as he's too chicken shit

but the smaaritna pushes him of


me: you know why there not going to pick your one

jp: no rhino?

too much death?

me: well obviously thats part of it, but your gonna have to film at day and night, and you need a motorway and a bridge

jp: wow, how will we do that
day and night
yeah it's fked
thats crap
um theres plenty of bridges over dual carriageway

me: how you going to film on a motorway, not like your going to have a permit to close down the road. " BOurnemouth police would like to advise, that the N17 is closed today so JOhn P and his 12 mates from film class can film the death scene

jp: we just use the bridge
im not really gonna make an actor jump off it
anyway, bridge can be clifftop or builind
thanks for the constructive criticism
when i'm rolling in it, making the next batman movie, sticking my dick in Angelina Jolies ear, don't come running to me for a leg-up

me: who goes for a jog on the top of a building

jp: its a treatment john
not a full blown script

me: how did he get the dog up there

jp: your a tosser

me: so are producers

jp: its a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a treatment johnts a

me: how you getting the rhino on the roof
maybe he could be running into the wall of the building and thats why he falls off just as he was about to come down

jp: i got a film about an irishman who gets fked by a rhino aka his houstmate kelly

me: yeah that shit would sell


I didn't think Google hired drunks but someone as obviously been putting there 20% personal project time to good use. They have created a new feature within Google mail that automatically kicks in the wee hours at the weekend. The new feature is what I would like to call your guilty conscience. It asks you questions asking you to solve some maths solutions, because sometimes you should wait until the morning to tell someone there a right prick or tell your girlfriend you spent your holiday money on strippers and beer.

Friday, 12 September 2008

Going back to school!

I am slightly bored with myself these days. So I have decided to go on a course. I think I am going to do a photography course. Its 3 hours once a week for 10 weeks for £195. It always interested me photography, despite the fact that most of my photos are taken when in a slightly drunken state.

This time next year, hopefully be in the mansion, working for Mr.Hefner.

Monday, 8 September 2008

Quotes of the week! Volume ?

"Do you want a vagina with that?"
Will asked me after my veg pizza slice arrived.

"You have to wait until Monday to text that girl."
Wills brothers girlfriend Becky( from BB3) explaining to Will, how you cant let women know you like them, until 3 days have passed.

"Hey, I don't believe that any system is totally secure"
from the film Wargames

"Go fuck yourself"
Me to my boss, very proud moment

"What does my head weigh? Zero, zero, zero."
Dewey weighing his head in Malcolm in the middle and then trying to lift it in time to read the output


What was meant to be one night in London turned into three. My head is very sore as I write this. I had been invited to a boat party on the Thames and the booze was free so I was definately going to make an appearance.

A few important things I learnt this weekend. You should never get drunk before actually getting to a party. You should not fall asleep at a party, you dont look attractive apparently. You should never fall over face first with a pint of Guinness in your hand.

So friday night was a bit of a blur. Woke up in a right mess on Saturday morning, wasn't too sure where I was. Decided to watch Malcolm in the middle until Will woke up. Sat there watching more Malcolm while Wills brother made us both a full English. Few cans of wife beater then headed into Camden. Have never been there before but will definately be making an appearance again. Will attracted the attention of some very seedy looking elder gentleman who kept on talking about coke and showed Will a very large bag of it. I commented that this man looked very much like the old guy from Family guy which Will thought was the funniest thing he ever heard and fell off his stool laughing. The rest of the weekend continued in more ridiculous fashion. With me singing 'You've lost that loving feeling' to the girl behind the counter in KFC. If your ever in Camden watch out for this guy!

Tuesday, 2 September 2008


Google launched there own web browser. Im having a play around with it at the moment. I dont think its going to take me away from Firefox just yet but "a company who fancies himself a god feels a very human chill crawl up his spine." Yes I am talking about Microsoft but more on those fuckers later. What I do like about this new browser is the fact that each tab has is its own process. So if 1 tab fucks up the whole pile doesnt come tumbling down. Who knows why this isnt in all browsers already but im sure they will all follow suit soon enough. The reality is webpages aren't static anymore, they are java enabled high powered applications. I usually have 6+ tabs open at all times. I could be browsing on a few, playing a game on another and watching a film on another. I do not want all this crashing if one hits a snag.

I would find it hard to believe that a few nerdy engineers at Google aren't spending there 20% personal project time, creating there very own operating system. I think it begs the question "Why the hell should I have to pay for anything?" Microsoft Office being a prime example, there is a shit load of open source alternatives to these now and why should companys have to pay thousands in license fees just to have the Microsoft badge on it. If you buy a copy of Vista you can only have it licensed to one machine. In the short term I think Microsoft will go the Apple route and let 5 machines use the one license. I have a laptop and soon building my own quad machine and I wont be paying for a license twice.


I know I have written about this cash cow before but seriously would it be too much to ask for this show to just fuck off and die. First episode of the new series and I bet you never seen this one coming but they all end up in jail again. Michael somehow gets himself back into the United States without a passport. They dont bother explaining how the FBI's most wanted man strolled through customs. I suppose the writers thought if a couple of million Mexicans could do it surely Super Scofield can too.

The plot thickens when Sarah ( the junkie doctor from the jail) reappears. Apparently she escaped in series 3 and didnt have her head chopped off. Linc the sink picked up some other birds head out of a basket that looked the exact same. Give the guy a break, it was dark and he's the stupid brother remember. This is the biggest pile of bullshit writers have pulled since Bobby only died in a dream in a Dallas. A dream that lasted a whole series imagine that. Well the English writers couldn't stand for that so they brought Dirty Den back after 16 years. The American writers have struck back apparently. OMG, shoot me now.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Public fuckin transport

AND I THOUGHT THE 13A back home was bad. Bus and rail cost a small fortune in Britain for some reason. Its not really what is bothering me about the whole system though. Its these yellow fuckin buses that I have to get to work.

The seats are fuckin tiny for a start. Im 6 foot or just under it, cant remember which. I cant sit straight in one of the seats unless its one of the ones at the front with extra leg room, bit like travelling in first class.

Monday, 16 June 2008

Sean Treacy and the crocodile.

Got a text message today off the mother. She wanted to let me know that a friend of mine was in hospital in Mexico after a crocodile had attacked him and Billy saved him. I was seriously thinking she was off her meds. So I just texted back "what?" She texted me back the same message with a bit more detail, so then I called her and basically he had been swimming when this croc appeared out of nowhere and took a bite. His brother raced in and somehow got him free and pulled him ashore. That was the story from mother hubbard. Was pretty worried about that chap, have known him 20 years, so was a tad freaked out in work. Waited for more news. Did a google on his name as soon as I found out. Started with the basica sean+treacy+crocodile. Didnt bring back any relevant results. Come four o'clock, that newspaper they give out for free at tube stations in London the Metro had picked up on it, followed by the Sun and the Irish papers. The Sun has declared he tried to swim the lagoon for a bet but have nothing to back this up with. The most accurate story I have found found is this one.

Imagine that at your wedding. Im pretty sure he can sell some stories out of this, maybe heat magazine or notw. For now, im glad he's safe and sound. Hopefully he can moved from whatever hell hole hospital he is in. I have a feeling the hospitals in Mexico are nearly as bad as Beaumount.

Monday, 9 June 2008

Straight outta Drumcompton!

Of course like all my recent trips home, it begins in disaster. And, of course, this disaster revolves around the Ryanair bastard machine. I couldnt print off my ticket for some reason and when I told them at the check in that their website was Ken Ackered they told me £4 for ticket. The good old Ryanair charges, and I had promised myself all week I wouldnt get caught for any of their bullshit charges but I got caught in the end.

Flight of course takes off an hour and forty minutes late. I was at the boarding gate from about 9:40 and boarding was suppose to be 9:50. There was a group of buxom women having a great time and one of them gave me a wave so I gave her a little smile and went back to watching South Park on my Ipod touch. We board the plane finally at 10:50. I have needed to use the bathroom for a while at this stage and of course the bitch on the plane wont let me have a little twinkle before we take off. Well we dont take off for another hour but how was I suppose to know. I just sat there contemplating pissing on there plane.

The buxom ladies are still having a great time screaming with laughter, then a moment of terror. "Im going to talk to that guy he's sitting on his own." Im sitting on my own, maybe she's not talking about me I think to myself. The footsteps are getting closer she is closing in on me. So she plonks her ass down and "blah blah blah. isnt this terrible. where's good to go in Dublin." Temple Bar I say cheekly. Well she already fuckin knows that of course more yapping, I just want her to go away. She eventually does after telling me where she is staying for the weekend and we should meet up for a drink. The wedding ring on her hand hasn't escaped my eye and I have pretty much decided I would never marry a British girl/woman. Fuckin hell!

Finally up in the air and I hear the most beautiful sound in the world, bing! Im straight up the aisle and I clock myself in the mirror pissing and I have never looked happier, big reliefed head on me. I get out of trap 1 and those assholes are in front of me with the drink trolley and wont get out of the way so I have to walk behind them half a foot every minute for about 20 minutes so I can get back into my seat. Of course this gives the Buxom women plenty of time to basically take the piss out of me. I am buying my own plane. Eventually land at 1 and im meant to be home for 1130, everyone is already out drinking and I am not a happy bunny.

Thursday, 29 May 2008

Embarrassing moment #1

I began University in 2001 and of course I was full of enthusiasm and all that crap. Yeah whatever! I went to Uni for 4 reasons. I didn't want to work, to meet alot of women who might have sex with me, to drink until I fell over and reason number one again. Orientation week, FUN week or whatever the hell they called it. No lecturers or work, just guided tours and the pub.

For some reason still unknown to me, I had signed up for a hard course. Computer science and software engineering. What the hell was I thinking? Not only was I picking a ridiculous hard course, I had also engineered myself into a course where there was 10 dudes to every dudette. At least the social life had been good so far. Drinking all night and day and never going on any of the tours or meet the lecturers lunches.

The student union had arranged this mystery tour into town, which basically consisted of them dumping us into the worst nightclub in town. I have a bad memory of that night which will haunt me until my death. One of the student union lets get involved fuckers decided, it would be a great idea to get a sing-a-long going on the bus. He decided to sing Dennis Leary Im an Asshole. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE!!

Next day, we have to go to this student union meeting. I have got the shakes really bad. I drank everything the night before and talked random crap to everyone I met. I still had people coming up to me in my final year asking "aren't you that guy?" And the sad and terrible truth was yes, yes I was that guy.

I had somehow managed to pull three different girls from the course I was joining. There was 350 people in my class, somewhere between 30 - 40 were female. I am or never was that attractive so how this all happened I dont know and your probably wondering where the embarrassing moment is coming from here, but its coming.

The SU dude was basically trying to be Mr Cool, telling us where to go drinking and general Uni advise. "Now this is the most important thing you need to know about life at Uni. Do not get off with anyone from your course, their are plenty of other people in other courses to get off with. You dont want any awkward situations everyday." This asshole was a virgin if I ever seen one. Unfortunately for me, I was sitting beside a friend from my old school and of course he did what was natural and fucking pissed himself laughing. All eyes on fucking us now. I am pulling my hoodie around my head and trying to avoid eye contact with everyone. The SU guy wants to know what my so called friend is laughing about and asks has he already been stupid with one of the girls. So he gladly informs him he hasn't but his good friend here had gotten off with 3 of the cast of 101 dalmations. Well laughter and laughter and pointing and me trying to dig a fucking hole with a bic pen out of there. But of course he wasn't letting go that easy, this fuckin nazi had finally got his audience to listen to his punkass and he was milking it. "So which one did you take home?" "Did you buy any of them a drink?" "Are they here now?" "Point them out!" If he had actually looked around the classroom it wouldn't have been hard to figure out who it was 347 eyes were on me, the other 3 were looking away, hoping they wouldn't get dragged into it. Well I am far too much of a gentleman to drag anyone else into it. So I flipped him the bird which he didnt like at all, kind of shut everyone else up too. They weren't expecting that one haha. It wasn't even that I was that embarrased about the whole thing, I just wanted to get out of there so I could go for a cure, I was fucking dying and this wasn't helping things at all. He quickly moved onto another subject and everyone started falling asleep again. Our yearhead I remember had arrived in towards the end, so missed my fall from grace. I guess the SU dude wanted to leave on a high note so he asked me to come down and write my number on the board in case I had forgotten to give to the ladies last night. I just laughed this time hahahahah then he came for a pint with the class after and I bought him a pint and proceded to go to the toilet and take a big piss in it before I brought it over to him. "No hard feelings he asked?" "No sir, none at all."


Monday, 19 May 2008

TV sucks an awful lot lately!

Before I start. I LOVE TV. I am Mr TV. I have a dream, that one day I will have a tv the size of a theatre screen. I have a dream that my tv will be able to syncrhonize and live in harmony with all my other media devices in a perfect open source environment. I have a dream that every tv screen will have a quad core * by quad core processor and allow me to watch 32 different channels simulatenously on one screen. I have a dream, that there is actually something worth fucking watching on TV.

TV shows I want back now. Sopranos, Glenroe, Black Books, Friends, Father Ted ( I dont care if he's dead, wake his ass up) and Beverly Hills 90210. We need Graham Linehan to go the Dolly the Sheep route. Is there no one else out there who we can turn to for some entertainment. FFS he graduated from Colaiste Dhulaigh! Couldn't we get the old Friends crew back together and just announce a new series, its not like any of them have anything else to be doing. They could probably pull in $10 million each an episode.

Two current shows that have turned into an absolute fucking fiasco. Prison Break and Lost. How can they still be lost? Do we have to go through another few years of peoples theories? As for Prison Break, I loved series 1. The best show on television by a long shot. The downfall of this; they have to keep it going forever. This isnt the fuckin A-Team! They cant just move the characters to a new country and get them arrested in a new country and put them in an even shittier prison. Its meant to be a story not an on going drama. They might as well put it on three nights a week like Eastenders or some other shite drama. End the fucking story. Kill Michael, kill them both, I dont care anymore.

Can someone explain to me in this day and age why I have to wait months to watch an episode of a show that premiered in the States? Well I have a super fast connection like the rest of the world and I wont wait. You know what that means, I probably wont watch it when it comes out in UK/EIRE, because I have already watched it in shittier quality online. At least I didn't have to watch the ads.

Quotes of the week!

"I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera."Mike Damone

"Bazooko's Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing every Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. This was the Sixth Reich." Raoul Duke

"Give all of us gathered here tonight the strength to remember that life is so very fragile. We are all vulnerable. And we will all, at some point in our lives... fall."Coach Taylor, Friday Night Lights

"Mr. Kinnoch, I beg you to accept that there is no people on Earth who would not prefer their own bad government to the good government of an alien power."Gandhi

[About JP MORGAN] That's the sort of place this is, Jen. A lot of sexy people not doing much work and having affairs.

Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I was out in the garden today working on my tan. Bournemouth has had a bit of a heat wave the last week or so and its been bikini city. Anyway got interrupted by continous knocks on the door. We really need to get a peep hole. Opened the door and there was two mormons smiling at me. AH NO! Instead of being a right bastard and just closing the door on them, I offered a hello. Big mistake. "Blah blah blah, have you got half an hour. Who cant afford half an hour?" I cant, I have facebook chat and msn and porn and blogs and I need a cigeratte now.

Its really hard to actually listen to someone when you just want them to go away. They werent taking the bullet though. First attempt: 1. "Im actually Catholic." I presumed these people were banging on the doors in the UK as most people in the UK havent been baptised. Well most in the 0-35 bracket that I have met or else they cant remember as they dont have the same school and religion banged in together thing. This did not defer my mormon friend. "Oh so you know all about the message of Jesus Christ and his followers." What was I meant to say no, I havent a clue please come in and tell me all about it.

I was starting to wish it was the Church of Scientology, I could have just bought a book off them to get them off the door. Second attempt: "Im kinda busy." This was terrible, he could see right through my shit. These dudes had got me cornered now, if it was someone selling something I could have just said "here fuck off now or Im gonna boot you in the balls." I didnt feel comfortable telling the God Squad to fuck off. "Have you got any favourite stories or passages from the bible?" I was dying to tell him the pulp fiction one or the whole beware of the pale horse thing thats in every horror film ever. But no, its like talking to a priest, terrible.

I eventually got rid of them after about twenty minutes, when I agreed to go a meeting on Sunday. I think something is going to come up that will force me to cancel strangely enough. Good old Wikipedia, here is some stuff you might not know about this religion.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, widely known as the LDS Church or the Mormon Church, is the fourth largest Christian denomination in the U.S.[3][4] and the largest and most well-known denomination originating from the Latter Day Saint movement founded by Joseph Smith, Jr. in 1830.

In the LDS Church, both men and women may enter a celestial marriage with only one partner at a time. A man may be sealed to more than one woman, however, if his wife dies, after which he may enter another celestial marriage, and be sealed to both his living wife and deceased wife or wives. Many Mormons assume that all these marriages will be valid in the eternities and the husband will live together in the afterlife as a polygamous family with all wives to whom he was sealed. On page 72 of the 1998 edition of the Church Handbook of Instructions, the LDS Church clarified that a woman may also be sealed to more than one man. A woman, however, may not be sealed to more than one man while she is alive. She may only be sealed to subsequent partners after she has died. [1] Church leaders have not clarified if women in such circumstances will live in a polyandrous relationship in the afterlife.

In my opinon you should always be wary of any religion where the blokes can fuck more than women. It was probably started by some horny old hound. Smith the founder, claimed God and his Son had appeared before him when he was 14 and when he told the local minister, he was perseceuted and they called it the devil at work. THen a few years later a resurrected prophet showed up at his gaff telling him where these ancient scripts were. They bought dug up a hole and found the tablets with the true meaning of Christianity on them. He tried to run for presidency of the United States, he formed his own bank to draw money from and went bankrupt in 21 days. While in jail, 200 men charged the prison and got into his cell. Smith had somehow gotten a pistol from a visitor and shot three of them. He died though trying to escape out a window after taking several bullets.

Planes, mammys car and a taxi!

Current Location: In work
Listening to: Bruce Springsteen - The river
Thinking: "Who the fuck eats sushi from Tesco?"

Got on the ShitAir flight, there was about 8 people on the plane. On a Ryanair flight it is usually particularly hard to get any sort of leg room but if you take the seats where the emergency exit are you do get a bit of comfort. Well so I thought. I was sitting there a bit nervous, I hate flying. A few whiskeys at the bar before take off usually sort me out though. Well, until now. The AirHostess informed me if there was an accident because I was sitting in the seats beside the emergency exit, I would have to help them get the doors open and help people off. "Are you ready to be hero?" I wasnt really listening so I just nodded my head. It wasnt until they were doing the whole air hostess dance showing the exits did I think about it. "Are you ready to be hero?" Fuck no Im not! What was I supposed to do exactly if there was an accident?JohnnySnipes passenger 57, fuck you! Every poor bastard for himself as far as im concerned. And what kind of plane are you getting on when the air hostess tells you if there is an accident before you have even taken off bla bla bla. AHHHHHHHHH! Well we all got there safe and sound.

Got off the plane turned the blower on. No messages. No missed calls. Charlie was meant to be picking me up. Ring ring ring. No answer. FUCK! Text message from Charlie. "Im at the Trinity Ball." Great! Sent him a nice abusive message, calling him all sorts of nasty things. Text from Charlie. "I have a ticket for ya." Quick call to Mammy, come pick my ass up. Quick chat with the family and off out the door. "Got to Trinity. No you cant come in. "Come on, I came from England for this, my girlfriends inside." You think he would have been cool and told me "Alot of peoples girlfriends are inside!" But no, he was a douchebag. Ended up going to the casino and sitting beside some comedian off the panel, cant remember his name. THen met Roey and his missus, and went back and drank alot of whiskey.

Important thing to remember: bouncers suck, as do Ryanair and people have better things to be doing than picking you up at an airport on a Friday Night at 12.

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

The trouble with work!

Album: Richard Ashcroft - Close to you
Feeling: Like theres something missing, maybe my keys
Playing: GTA4
Reading: Al Pacino: In Conversation with Lawrence Grobel

"I woke up this morning, feeling fine...." Yes, I was basically as happy as the Halifax dude. I didnt break into song or dance but still the birds went tweep tweep tweep and I made myself a cup of tea. The sun was immense for 8am and I made a mental note to myself, to bring my RayBans back from Ireland. Its about a 40 minute walk to my office from my house. I had just robbed a few albums from the good auld tinternet the day before and had synced my ipod, so I decided to walk it.

I was enjoying my stroll for a change, through the High street of my town. The "got any change gang" were still asleep so I wasn't being bothered. I stopped to get some fruit in a grocer, I hadnt been in before and have vowed never to buy fruit & veg off a Tesco again. It was good stuff.

Was having such a wonderful time listening to Mr Ashcroft and enjoying the sun, when I got outside my office it suddenly dawned on me, that I actually had to go in. Oh no!

Monday, 5 May 2008

Quotes of the week

“You should stay away from your potential. I mean, that is something you should leave absolutely alone! You’ll mess it up! It’s potential, leave it! And anyway, it’s like your bank balance, you know - you always have much less than you think.”
Dylan Moran on potential.

"Peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy."

Rojos mate Par
"Pissing out windows and smoking heroin all over the gaff."

The Ballymun bird who was the lady in question in the Ballymun porno"
"Dont be fuckin tapin me"

Friday, 2 May 2008

Match of the Day

I have a real problem with the whole BBC Match of the day team. What do Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen all have in common? There all assholes! Gary Lineker is the anchor, with the other two garden knomes giving there expert opinion. Ian Wright recently left the show claiming he was used by the producers to be the comic element on the show as the other analysts were so dry. I guess it had nothing to do with him landing a lucrative contract as the host for Gladiators. The best football show by a long mile is Jimmy Hills Sunday supplement. Four journalistsand Jimmy, until they axed Jimmy. Now its just the Sunday supplement but still a fantastic analysis of what has happened in football that week. They dont show highlights or have any of the new fancy technology to track players, just four journalists having a chat over a brew.

Another BBC asshole is Mark Lawrenson. He does a weekly prediction of football results from the Premiership. I dont know if he is on an earner from a few major bookmakers to tell people incorrect predictions but the bloke doesnt know his arse from his elbow. I will put my money where my mouth is though, I will sign up to give a contribution to Concern if he can beat me this weekend on results. 5 points for a correct score and 2 points for a correct result. Game on Lawro, GAME ON!

Lawro's Predictions My Predictions
Man Utd vs West Ham Man Utd vs West Ham
3-0 2-1

Aston Villa vs Wigan Aston Villa vs Wigan
2-0 1-1

Blackburn vs Derby Blackburn vs Derby
2-0 4-0

Fulham vs Birmingham Fulham vs Birmingham
2-1 1-1

Middlesbrough vs Portsmouth Middlesbrough vs Portsmouth
2-0 1-3

Reading vs Tottenham Reading vs Tottenham
2-0 0-0

Bolton vs Sunderland Bolton vs Sunderland
2-0 1-2

Arsenal vs Everton Arsenal vs Everton
2-0 1-1

Liverpool vs Man City Liverpool vs Man City
2-1 1-0

Newcastle vs Chelsea Newcastle vs Chelsea
0-2 1-1

I have played it a bit more dangerous than Lawro, going for Chelsea and Arsenal to both draw but time will tell. Is it just me or would everyone love to see Middlesbrough go down?

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Peep Show

Season 5 will start on May 2nd and I honestly cant wait. I hadnt watched it until one hungover faithful Sunday in my mates flat in Brighton. We watched all of Series 1 that day and I watched the other three series online over the next few days. Resulting in me, arriving late for work several days in a row. Here is the top 5 quotes from Mark (thoughts to himself, does that count as a quote?), because if we're honest there is a bit of Mark's insecurities in all of us.

5.Mark: (Relax Mark, you're not Hitler in his bunker, he was really under the cosh... Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend.)

4.Mark: Hi Jeff. (Well fuck you if you're not doing small talk, I'm not gonna help us out... Lets die together.)

3.[In a toilet cubicle with Toni, Jeremy and Valerie]
Mark: (I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often: I'm out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets... this is it. This is literally, it. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)

2.Mark: (Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I'm probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.)

1.Mark: (Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.)

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

Weight loss

I did one of those BMI thingys and was pretty pissed off with the results to be honest. I am overweight! Im pounding in at 14 stone 6 pounds, which makes me a stone over weight for someone in my height range. The range is roughly 11 stone 10 to 13 stone 6. In an ideal world, I will drop to 13 stone. I dont understand how I could be 11 stone 10 at my height. My weight at 16-17, was 12 and a half and I was pretty scrawny then.

After further studies, I am still confused with how I am overweight. Apparently the average calories a man requires is 2550. "How many calories are needed each day can vary greatly depending on lifestyle and other factors." Which common sense would tell you, if your training for the olmpics you can probably eat alot more and if your stuck in an office you can eat less. "A body that consumes 2500 calories a day, and burns 2500 calories a day will stay at the same weight. A body consuming 2500 calories daily but burning only 2000 will gain weight at the rate of about 1lb a week." FUBAR!!!!

Conclusion thus far, is bad diet, little or no exercise and beer, beer, beer equals poundage.

For the last few days, I have been having a bit of a jog, run/walk. Nothing too strenous. Not sure exactly how far I go but it takes about 40 mins. Just did a quick check on google maps and I have worked it out as roughly 2.5 miles. Doesnt sound like an awful lot, but its a 10th of a marathon. Just did another google while writing this and apparently I should be able to do that distance in 25-30 mins, so I need to get my ass in gear and stop changing songs on my ipod, playlist time I think.

Along with this strenous walk I have to do everyday now, so I might actually make it to my 30th birthday, I have been counting calories. Its not too bad actually. I aimed at eating under 2000 calories a day. I stumbled upon the subway diet thing which is part of my regular diet anyway but found out NO I Cant have the MEATBALL MARIANA or any other type of sauce on my sandwich. The bread you choose, must be wheat which doesnt bother me in the slightest. You can either go for the Footlong Veggie Delite Sub at 406 calories or the Footlong turkey breast sub at 512 calories. REMEMBER NO SAUCE!

Trying to get healthier causes all sorts of problems. In order to do the jog, cigerattes have had to go. Thats not too bad as I wanted to cut back on them in a huge way. I was smoking about 15 a day. Now I will have 1 in the morning, 1 when I get home from work and one before 1 go to bed. Even went out for a drink last night and only had 1 cigeratte so go me. Alcohol is another major problem a beer is like 200 calories, so 2 beers is basically a meal. 10 beers is my allowed intake of calories for a day. Last night I had 3 beers, when I was only planning on having 2 so went over my calorie limit by about 150 calories. Its been hard work so far, might change from beer to red wine at least I can drink twice as much then(a glass of red is roughly 80-90 cals). I think I will have to come up with a better plan for this, I have 14,000 calories I can consume in a week. I might try and bring my calorie intake down to 1800 so I can enjoy beersies at the weekend without feeling too bad, time will tell. Update in a week or two.

Monday, 14 April 2008

Skins Series 3

All of the current cast, will not return for the third series as the production team have decided to go with a complete new cast. See current cast members working at a fast food joint in your town soon.

Cigars and Champagne

Song: Maxi Priest - Close to you
Feeling: Open minded
Playing: Mario Kart Wii
Reading: Michael J Fox's Bio

Turning 25, sure does suck. Half way to 50, a quarter of a century, etc etc etc ...(as performed by Yul Brynner in the King and I.) Decided to have a party in the house to celebrate. The Neiller fella brought around some Bollinger and we seemed to go through about 3 bottles of Jagey. Anyway you think they would have let me win at twister on my birthday but no, I was the first to bite the dust. I did a mean version of Dont stop me now on singstar though. 5 years to 30, so I thought it might be an idea to have some sort of five year plan. It might be easier to decide what I actually want out of the next five years, than where I will be. But then what should be included in the 5 year plan, should it be some type of career plan or something a bit more personal. I think I will do some High Fidelity style Top 5 lists.

Career Wise.
1. Finish contract with JP and go on to bigger and better things, preferably in London.
2. Become certified in all SQl and SYBASE.
3. Make as many contacts as possible within the business.
4. Hit 500 sterling a day contract.
5. Start going to work on time.

1. Write at least two more books.
2. Take an acting course
3. Take a directing course
4. Do some travelling, around Europe and Asia.
5. Get a 6 pack haha

Realistic things I can buy
1. Hugo Boss suit and shoes
2. Nice BMW
3. House/Apartment
4. Every movie Al Pacino was ever in.
5. Projector screen

Quotes of the week

Ian Holloway on Ronaldo

"The kid makes you sick. He looks the part, he walks the part, he is the part. He's six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking - he's got to have something wrong with him.Hopefully he's hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!"

Eamon Dunphy taking the piss out of Liam Brady.
"Thats because you missed the bus, you were doing press conferences all day."

Nick Hornby
"But I'd felt as if I'd pissed my life away in the same way that you can piss money away. I'd had a life, full of kids and wives and jobs and all the usual stuff, and I'd somehow managed to mislay it. No, you see, that's not right. I knew where my life was, just as you know where the money goes when you piss it away. I hadn't mislaid it at all. I'd spent it."

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

"Bertie il see ya for a pint in Fagans and you can tell me all about it."

11 years in office is a remarkable achievement and the country has come a long way under his leadership. Celtic Tiger, Northern Ireland peace process and drinking in more pubs in Drumcondra than I do to name but a few of his legendary achievements. Politics is going to be very dour affair now with Edna Blah Blah Kenny complaining every day of the week and I never really like Brian Cowen, he is just a dull, unpolished and uninspiring man. The next election should be alot closer with Fianna Fail losing some seats in Dublin. Noel Ahern resides over my constituency and I dont really know anything about him apart from he is Bertie's big brother. I know alot of people my age who have been involved with Fianna Fail and these people are not bad people but they could fuck up a cup of coffee given half a chance. We need a voice and its needed now. Dont be surprised to see an early General Election due to this madness. Berties secretary seems to have forced the hand of his colleague's and he has been pushed aside. A sad day for a man who reigned over our countries most successful years.

"I'm not answering what I got for my Holy Communion money, my Confirmation money, what I got for my birthday, what I got for anything else, I'm not into that."

Im not telling them either.

Cup of tea and a bit of a browse

Youtube videos to watch over breakfast!

  1. The Devil goes down to Georgia
  2. The Commitments lego.
  3. Thundercats REAL LIFE - this video is fucked up
  4. SMOSH GUYS got sued
  5. Eric Cantona on seagulls haha

Monday, 24 March 2008

School wasnt free and either was college

FREE EDUCATION MY ASS! We got promised free third level education when I was starting University and wasnt my daddy happy. He was so happy he went out with my college fee fund and bought a brand new BM fucking W. He was pretty pissed off when I came home the first day from college with a bill for 800 pound, that the college were claiming was going to be the cost of the handouts the lectures were going to be giving out. Being kind to the college they maybe gave me 50 sheets of paper throughout the year. Most internet cafes charge about ten pence/cent for a sheet of paper to be printed. So 50 * 10 = 500 = 5 fucking quid. Where the hell did the other seven hundred and ninty five pound go? Well if you ask the college it was to make up for the deficit. The government had a figure the college got per student and the college had a figure they calculated it cost to have a student on campus.

That was just my most recent encounter with the dark education forces trying to get your money though. It all started off with voluntary contributions. The school gave you a letter to bring home to your parents where they basically asked for fuckin money. They would leave it a few days then the principal would arrive in your classroom "Hands up who hasnt brought in the voluntary contribution." Nothing has changed since we got the British Empire to fuck off. You can still see the British Postal sign on some postal boxes they just painted them fucking green.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

The little things when you get old!

Do other peoples parents go crazy when they get older? My dad has been having agro with some other old fogies who live behind us about a tree that is apparently blocking his sunlight( I forgot we lived in Barbados and not Dublin). He wants them to cut down the tree and they have refused. Now he is talking about digging a hole in the back of our garden until he finds the root of their tree and then he is going to pour acid on it so the root will root and the tree will eventually die. How did he even think up this crazy shit. It reminds me of some scam Stewie would come up with on Family Guy.

Thoughts on work

Initial thoughts on the new job: I am feeling a bit like Chandler Bing at the moment. I work in a job where I am basically winging it. The only good thing I have noticed is I am not on my own. By the looks of things, about 80% of the staff dont know what the hell they are doing. There seems to be one key member (usually not the manager) who everyone goes to with there problems. Well im slowly getting a bit better I think. Just wondering how long people are actually comfortable with winging it. When I first started I was told, it will take 6 months to learn the system if you want to. Well I know now, that only 20% of the staff have a clue which is a bit scary. Well thats all the bad stuff out of the way.

The staff can basically be spilt into three catergories.
1.Management who spend there days either in meetings, planning meetings or going to java republic on coffee breaks.
2.Overpaid consultants. (Seriously overpaid assholes. They get offered a permanent position every week in the company and they laugh in there faces because why would they halve there wages for an extra 4 days holidays a year.)
3.Assholes stolen from the business department because they fancied a change and thought anyone could pick up IT from a few day seminars and they are constantly lost. They end up writing excel documents for actual work people in catergory 2. Well im not too sure where I am. I am a consultant but not an overpaid one yet, so im probably somewhere between 2 and 3.

Most of the staff are pretty cool. Well cool for people who dont get out much and have more of a life playing World of Warcraft. I am still to afraid to play it, in case I get pulled into its crazy virtual world( see wow funeral and leroy jenkins on youtube). More on work soon.

Sunday, 2 March 2008

Little Miss Sunshine

just watched this film and it went from being pretty funny and entertaining to pretty messed up and perverted. to think parents put girls as young as 7 and dress them up as a prostitute is quite disturbing.