Thursday, 29 January 2009

4am phone calls and Prince Harry

The only times my friends from Ireland seem to ring me these days is when they are absolutely shit faced. And me being too nice to ignore there calls entertain them.

Me:' Alright man, its 4 in the morning whats up?"
Mo chara: "iiiii knnnowww how Harryy feels"
Me: "Who the fuck is Harry?"
Mo chara: "friiiiince harry, your future kinggggggg, his bird just dumped him too"
me: "cool, might add her on facebook. not adding your ex though, she was rough"
mo chara: "Whaddya say?"
me: "nothing man, talk to ya tomorrow. go to bed.
mo chara: "i rrrring yaa up anddd now ya wonnt talk

So we talk for a few minutes and im telling him a story about this strange bloke in work, next thing i can hear the fucker snoring. I was going to plug in my mobile, not hang up and let him get a huge bill but in the end i didnt plug it in, battery must have went after an hour or two. im far too nice for my own good!

The List?

6.WIZARD OF OZ, THE (1939)
7.GRADUATE, THE (1967)
14.SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)
15.STAR WARS (1977)
16.ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)
18.PSYCHO (1960)
19.CHINATOWN (1974)
22.2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
24.RAGING BULL (1980)

I always considered myself a bit of a movie buff but this list has put me to shame. This is the top 25 films taken from the American Film Institute's list of the 100 Greatest Movies. I have only seen 7 of the top 25. I haven't even heard of a few. I think it just shows I am still relatively young. The 7 I have seen were made between 1972 and 1993. The only one between that time that made the cut that I havent seen is Chinatown. Im a big fan of Nicholson and sometimes wonder why these films are rarely if ever on tv. I have the complete Sky Package and National Treasure has been on every night for the last two weeks on the movie channel.

If I can get my hands or find them online I am going to watch all these films by the end of February. Bit of task 25 films in a month but sleeping is for the weak! Films I am really looking forward to seeing on this list are Chinatown, Psycho and The Graduate.


Yeah its getting close to that time of year when you will see alot of confused men in Ann Summers picking up the last outfit in there that their partners would find attractive. And dont worry they wont be shy in telling ya that you have shite taste. Shopping for women is pretty damn horrible. Thats why I usually stick to some sort of white flowers and some spa treatment voucher when giving presents to a female. The Spa treatment vouchers are a good one, cos they think its really thoughtful but you can buy them online haha.

Anyway its that time of year, im single but fuck no I wont be spending valentines on my own. Im far too vain for something like that. I dont care if I have to ring every bird I know, someone is getting taken out to some poxy restaurant where the waitress will rush us and the chef wont cook our food properly as he is doing too much and we will probably have to eat from a set menu. Load of me arse. SO why do we all do it? The same reason I will be taking someone out on the 14th, do you really want to be the odd one out?

Its a bit of a bullshit point but I would say roughly 30% of my close friends have girlfriends/boyfriends but I bet around 60-70% will have a date on the 14th. And I dont want to come into the question at work "What you do last night?", which of course some smug asshole whose girlfriend has a face like a boiled boil will ask. I have been in this stupid routine since I was about 14 or 15. Last year was the first year I broke it. I had only been living in Bournemouth a month and I wasn't about to fly home to Dublin just for one night. Last year we had a bit of a drunk night out with my new housemates on the 14th and a few of there friends. What do you think happened? We all paired off and I awoke staring at a ceiling I didn't recognise. Are we all a bit insecure about this? If its just a commercialised marketing event, they have done a very good job.

Do i really care? Facebook statuses

Pamela is a funky monkey from Chinatown

Claire is available for photoshoots

Brian is in work, spending his day on facebook

Zara is pulling her thong out of her ass

Anthony is twittering

PaddyinENgland is writing a blog on all your statuses

And the word statuses, ridiculous!

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

21 Weeks to Glastonbury

Got my ticket! CANT WAIT!

I am going to try and get a bit more organised this year so I dont find myself in the usual situation where I have to buy all that I need for the festival on the day.

On Friday I will be ordering my first two items I will need for my messy week. I had neither when I went last year. First item is the Maglite Boxed Mini Mag AA Torch - Blue, that will cost me just under £10 english pounds, so its probably about €40 in Ireland. This is a necessity after last year when I went for a 4am piss in the darkness I fell into a bunch of nettles as I didnt realise there was a big hole in the ditch, whoops. And yes I did manage to get my cock back in my trousers before it landed in the nettles, my hands and forehead got the worst of it.

Second thing is a decent rucksack. Dont do what I did last year and bring one school size rucksack and have to carry your sleeping bag and tent in your arms. You can get a really good one on amazon for £30, you can detach the front part of it and use it as well a smaller rucksack. What I really want though is one of those bags with a funnel that you can have on your back and walk around having a drink. YEAH HERES TO GETTING FUCKED and not throwing all your drugs out the window of your VW van at the first sign of a sniffer dog! :(

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Shameless- Series 6 starts tonight

Now, nobody's sayin the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden, but it's been a good home to us, to me - Frank GALLAGHER - and me kids, who im proud of! 'Cause every single one of them reminds me a little... of me. They can all think for themselves! Which they've me to thank for. Fiona! Who's a massive help. Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him 'Philip' anymore. Ian - a lot like his mam which is handy for the others 'cause she's disappeared into thin air. And Carl! We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons; 1, it stands on end and makes him look like Toya and 2, nits love him. Debbie! Sent by God, total angel. You've to check your change, but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour. Plus Liam! Gunna be a star! Once we've got the fits under control. Steve; Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there... NOT. Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica! Lend you anythin' - well, not anythin'. But all of them to a man... who knows first and formost the most vital necessity is this life is they know how to throw a PARTY! Heh heh... Scatter!

Monday, 26 January 2009

The Marx FELLA

'Owners of capital will stimulate the working class to buy more and more of expensive goods, houses and technology, pushing them to take more and more expensive credits, until their debt becomes unbearable. The unpaid debt will lead to bankruptcy of banks, which will have to be nationalised, and the State will have to take the road which will eventually lead to communism'.

Karl Marx, Das Kapital, 1867 

Jaysus, how come no one told us this? FUCKERS!

Friday, 23 January 2009

Friday Photo (Brunette Season)

This is Minka Kelly from Friday Night Lights and shes got the whole girl next door thing going on, if you live next door to Hugh Hefner.

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Websites that arent bought yet.

Telemarket fuckers!

Got a call on my mobile today. Some telephone marketing asshole, im very suspicious when talking to these fucks. While writing this I think I have realised how it all happened. Here's our conversation, im me and TSF is telemarket fucker

TMF:"Hi, how are you today?
Me:"Whose this?"
TMF:"Im Claire, Im from freemobileUK and we see that you are coming to the end of your phone contract.
Me:"What? Are you part of O2?"
TMF:"No wer'...
Me:"How did you get my number and my details?"
TMF:"Off a random database..."


I rang O2 to complain, they didn't know how they would have got my details, the girl joked maybe they have been through my rubbish. STUPID BITCH. She obviously knew how but she wasn't telling me, I think I have worked it out now.

When I took out my contract over a year ago, a few days after I was receiving calls asking me would I like to buy insurance from them for my phone. O2 obviously sold my details on to these assholes and they now have sold them onto another phone group. Now you might say its a breach of a law to tell another company my contract details but they didnt have to. They just told them when they got the details and know 18 months from that day is the end of my contract. FUBAR!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

So this Obama bloke?

I havent really got into the hype. I think a year from now, the troops will still be over in Iraq and Afhganistan and maybe somewhere else. Were at the start of a recession which just appears to be getting worse and worse. We may just about come out of it in four years with a bit of luck.

His new rules made me smile a bit. Perhaps he never took a back hander or brown envelope but to think he can wipe it out is naive.
"The new rules ban aides from lobbying the administration when they leave his staff. Officials are also banned from receiving gifts from lobbyists."

Announcing the pay freeze for senior officials, Mr Obama said: "Families are tightening their belts, and so should Washington."

This is happening in my company too, senior officals get a pay freeze, ordinary staff get sacked.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009


After a stupid amount of alchol on Friday, I found myself in an familar spot on Saturday. Sprawled out on the couch, drinking alot of sugary drinks, trying to get back in shape for Saturday night. Flicking through the channels, absolutely nothing on. I settle for Footloose.

Im not sure if I would put this down as a bad way to spend an hour and a half of your life. It was one of those films that was so bad it was good. Starting with the ridiculous storyline. A teenager who was raised in Chicago. Ren McCormack (Kevin Rasher) moves to a small town where the town government has banned dancing and rock music. Poor old rasher just wants to have a dance and get his wicked way with the Reverend's Daughter. This film sucks ass, its just so terrible its hard to put into words. Ive never been a Kevin Rasher fan. He has never convinced me in any role he has played, he always has that bored I dont want to be here look on his face.

All this still didnt stop me downloading the soundtrack which is pure 80s keyboard cheese. Kenny Loggins bringing us "Footloose" and "I'm Free (Heaven Helps the Man)" and a few other cringe worthy songs that girls go mental when they here come on, like Lets Hear it for the boy.

Monday, 19 January 2009

Why that dude added me on facebook?

So I got to the bottom of it. He started some gay group about us all being in one of either two first class classes and tagged me in my Holy Communion pic. Im the one with the big pissed off head on me. I remember this very clearly, I had been told off by the teacher just before this pic. I was told off alot in school, I was a cheeky little fuck. Not much has changed. Im the one on the left standing right in front of the teacher. THE AULD BITch!

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Preview of 2009 -- my perfect year


After a wonderful xmas, there is a mistake in my account and all the money I spent while home at xmas hasnt been taken off my balance. I start my photography course and fall in love with a blonde Asian who cooks me all sorts of exotic dishes.


Blonde Asian gets deported after links with Triads. Triads give me £10k for hiding five Asians in my shed for a weekend. Become slightly irritated at photo course but still shine brightly. Travel to Edinburgh to see cousins to get cheered up. Drink lots of beer and remember stories from my childhood in the country. Win best paddyinengland award at blog awards.


Given a small part in a low budget horror which will go on to gross over a £100 million when its released. Travel to Cardiff, Ireland destroy Wales in Rugby, I rub salt in the wounds of the Welsh by shagging Charlotte Church.


Celebrate my 26th birthday in Vegas, win four million on a dollar slot machine. Get comped with the fuckin Rainman suite. Buy the penthouse apartment in moo lane temple bar, buy huge Victorian style house in Bournemouth, buy GT 500.


I have £1.2 million left, have been calling in sick to work on a regular basis and I have my first written warning. I pay a doctor £500 to give me a 6 month sick note, explaining that I am very stressed with the state of the world and need a complete break. I spend the rest of May planning the rest of my year.


I come up with a brillant new idea for a website, it brings in a steady income and I can give two of my unemployable friends a job. I go to Glastonbury and see Elvis play on the mainstage.


Website reaches 80,000 members, I have to fire one of my friends for trying to put his dick in the printer.


Im tired and go here to relax

After been on a waiting list for 10 hours I get my Man Utd season ticket.


Watch Man Utd beat Real Madrid 6-0, Rooney scoring 5 and Ronaldo scoring a 46 yard free kick which rips the net and smacks a fat man in the face.


I sell my website for 5 million and buy an apartment in Tenerife, spend the rest of the month there drinking heavily and contemplating life.


Spend the month mainly on Ryanair flights between Bournemouth and Dublin and making the perfect pancake.


Elvis gets Britney pregnant, Michael Jackson becomes the first champion of celebrity UFC, I eat alot of TUrkey.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009


OK I may be the stupidest man on the planet but I was looking at my screen from a funny angle today, I was sending my friend a smiley face on our work instant messenger and realised I had never noticed if you turn a colon and a right bracket 90 degrees, it gives you a smiley face. I honestly just thought it was a msn and phone shortcut to give you a picture of a smiley face.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Why would you want to be my friend? (On facebook)

Weather: Shitty
Bank Balance : Around the -400 mark -- only 17 days till payday :)
Mood: Energetic
Drinking: Agua
Music: Richard Ashcroft - Keys to the World
Reading: Tony Parsons - One for my baby

Logged into facebook last night, the usually nonsense 44 notifications about shit I didnt need to know. Note to self dont ever be the camera man for an event again and then post the photos on your own page for people to tag and comment. After browsing through that nonsense, I noticed I had a friend request. Who the fuck is Steve MC?

I clicked on his name and fortunately it wasn't set to completely private, I could go in and view some of his photos. I also noticed we had one friend in common, a girl I knew from DCU. Click on photos, oh so thats who you are! Steve MC is not a dj, hes a Mac something. I think I know what his full name is but I wont divulge it here, in case he googles his name someday. (I think I do this about once a month, sad I know. I do find myself eventually on page 8 with a film review I did for film ireland)

Anyway he's a dude from primary school, he was in my class for a few years. Nice bloke, didnt beat me up or steal lunch money. I dont remember us being friends in school or anything. If I passed him on the street now, I would probably nod a hello and move on. Is that enough to be a facebook friend? I used to see him in Quinns when I was about 18, he was going out with a girl I kind of know but even shes not on his facebook friend list so why am I? I dont know, what was I suppose to do reject him? Thoughts on a postcard, or leave a comment.

Friday, 9 January 2009

Before I fall to pieces

I went to the doctor this week for the first time since I blagged some student doctor at DCU to give me a cert for missing an exam in DCU.

Basically, I have been having a problem hearing lately and decided I better get it checked. I had a similar problem when I was about 11 or 12 so I wasn't too worried about it. The good thing about good old Ingerland is going into a doctor and not paying him a penny. NHS BABY! Suck on that Harney! The bad thing is the rest of the people in the waiting room looked like they were about to drop. Everyone has been picking up bugs this year its ridiculous, apart from me im hardcore. Im like that dude Jim from 28 days later.

Anyway, the ears arent too fucked. Should be able to hear fine again in a month with the help of some ear drops.

Took my subscription to Boots.
"12 pound please"
"But it says four quid on it"
"Thats without the subscription"
"Can you buy it over the counter without a subscription?"
"Il do that then."
"Four pound please."

Cant get good staff these days.

Oh yeah my eyes are fucked too, 230 quid for glasses today. Fubar!

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Judy Blume - The Fudge Series

I was somewhere between ten and eleven when I bought this book. I wasn't a big reader back then and only remember having read a few books before that. Mainly famous five books (I received off some well meaning aunty who never heard of a megadrive), there the only ones I can remember at any rate. I haven't actually thought about this book in years. I have a vague memory of seeing a tv show called Fudge that was based on the five books in my teens. I am pretty sure it was a show on the Den but I was in secondary school at this stage and probably thought it was for kids.

Anyway, a book fair came to our school and each class was given sometime to go and have a gawk and buy something. I was in fifth class at the time if I remember correctly. My da had given me a few quid to get some books so when I came home with the Gladiators annual and Ryan Giggs soccer skills book he wasn't too impressed to say the least. I remember my mother telling him off for telling me off and he gave me another few quid but I knew I was expected to actually buy a real book this time.

I wandered around all the tempoary shelves they had erected in the hall and I really didn't know what I wanted to buy. I remember the teacher telling me in his big bogger voice "if your getting something get something". He could have done with a bit of a reading himself to broaden his vocabulary. I could see Harro (teachers name, there was two of them teaching in the school, brothers, scary bastards) about to lose the rag with me and probably hit me a whallop so I grabbed Joesph Mohan. Fuck knows how I still remember his name. "What's a good book to buy?" He pointed me to good old Judy Blume and he said she was funny.

The story is about a family, the Hatchers. The Hatchers consisted of Peter, his little brother Fudge and his parents. Peter receives his first pet during the story and the story ends with Fudge eating his turtle which dies in his stomach. Peter is obviously very upset so his parents buy him a dog which he calls Turtle in memory of his beloved turtle Dribble. It doesn't sound like much of a storyline does it but its definately the first book I loved. I probably had it read in a day or two because I remember I made my mother buy me part two very shortly after. Right now im on Judy Blumes website and I think I have read three out of the five fudge books. The series started in 1972 and the last one was published in 2002.

Its quite a remarkable achievement. She has sold over 80 million books worldwide and she wrote the last Fudge book due to pressure from her only grandson who loved the series but wanted another book and for it be dedicated to him. I think its amazing a woman at 70 can still have such a connection with kids and make them laugh out loud and be able to imagine the world she has created in her work. Ive just looked on Amazon and I think next payday I will be splashing out on the Fudge Box Set(Hardcover).

Congratulations Obama from Spain

An early present came to the White House today addressed to Senor Obama from the Spanish ambassador to America. As is custom the ambassadors present was some home made chocolate sweets.

The Michael Jackson special edition box was sold out.

Wednesday, 7 January 2009


Ive decided to go up and see the cousins in Edinburgh. There not Scottish, there actually from Galway but went to the Edinburgh Comedy festival and kind of fell in love with the place. So its about time I took advantage of Ryanairs low cost travel and got my arse up there. I have heard nothing but good things about the place.

I have been to Scotland twice before. To the not so lovely Glasgow, although I must admit I had a great time on both occasions there. Its a bit like O'Connell street in the early 90s. Got that picture in your head now? Well thats Glasgow. Tracksuits and knacker tashes.

I want to do some more travelling this year instead of spending my money on shite I dont need. I have become a bit better at shopping for food and therefore I am slowly learning how to budget a bit. I know for a fact some of my housemates live on half my wages so I do sometimes wonder where does it all go. Therefore I am adding the following my new years resolution. I want 6 weekends away, attend Glastonbury and go on holiday for a week. Going home to Dublin doesnt count and if I go to London or Brighton for a weekend they dont count either.

So first stop Edinburgh, then maybe Amsterdam in April. Any suggestions more than welcome.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

Gazza: The sad clown

I swayed back and forth while watching this documentary last night. I didnt know what I felt for this once extremely gifted footballer. When I first seriously got into football at age ten or eleven, Gazza had just joined Rangers. I never really got into the whole your Irish and Catholic its your duty to follow Celtic bullshit. I thought Scottish football was shite(I still do), and never paid too much attention to it. The first time, I got to see Gazza in action properly was Euro 96.

The thing that stands out for everyone in that tournament is McCallister missing a penalty and 40 seconds later Gazza scoring a wonderful goal, flicking the ball over Hendrys head and burying it past Goram. I was only 7 when Italia 90 was on and dont remember much about it, apart from the nation standing still to watch Ireland.

My first memory of footballers making the front pages instead of the back was just before Euro 96. The England squad had been off in Spain or somewhere on a training camp and had been given a night off. They decided sensibly to go straight into a tourist area and get plastered. Gazza and Teddy Sheringham were pictured having shots thrown down there throats while sitting back in a dentists chair. The papers made a big fuss of it at the time and the nation werent impressed. That footballs coming home tune was number 1 in the charts at the time and the english public really did think they had a chance until, the PENOS!

Two years later, Three lions song was released again. It had a new line "Gazza good as before", Glenn Hoddle didnt agree and he didnt make the final squad for the 98 World Cup. It was the beginning of the end for Gazza after that. He had been pictured the week before the squad was announced pissed out of his brain in a kebab shop and wondered why he was left out. It seems ten years on and nothing has changed. He appears his own worst enemy and beyond redemption. He chain smokes, is an alcholic and is a disgrace to anyone who ever played football at any level. A man whose best mate is Jimmy five bellies, who Gazza employed as his minder when he went to Lazio. What the locals must have thought of those two.

Gazza has attacked his wife about letting Channel four interview there 12 year old. When Gazza was in the house all the family seemed happy he was there but he couldnt handle it. He disappeared and went on a bender as his ex-wife wouldnt let him in her bed only for the papers to eventually find him of all places on tour with Iron Maiden. Channel four isnt innocent in all this, this show could easily have been title Gazzas last days if things had gone wrong for Gazza not wrong for Channel four. His wife obviously got a few quid for it, his step daughter will probably have her tits out in some mag this week but there was no show without Paul and he turned up and cant blame anyone but himself for the mess his life is.

Monday, 5 January 2009

Bournemouth 1 year on

I just realised I have been in Bournemouth exactly one year today. I moved down here on the 5th of January 2008, it was a Saturday. I had never been to Bournemouth before, the interview had been in Brighton and I had accepted as it sounded as good a spot as any.

I was greeted at the train station by a little hottie I knew from my Tenerife days. As we tried to leave through one of the gates an employee informed us that the gate was always closed as junkies used to come through to it and threatened staff and the staffs safety had to come first. Welcome to Bournemouth.

I was meant to go to a house viewing that evening but decided to stay in with my little hottie and stay in the hotel for a few days, I wasn't paying for it anyway. On sunday my hottie left me and I waved her goodbye with a wistful smile and went walking around the town expecting to see a face I knew. Of course I knew none. Its probably a good thing I didnt bump into the guy who interviewed me for the job as I would have demanded he take me home and I could live with him.

Living in a hotel really sucks. I was desperate to get out of it, I would have slept with homeless people under a bridge just for a bit of company after a few days in the hotel. A desperate man is likely to make rash decisions and begor I made one....

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Found while moving my wardrobe!

"Dear Laura,
Had a trip to London Zoo to see new gorilla enclosure. New tropical area too where the marmosieths & sloths are free to roam around your feet. Missed you though

Love Mum

Considering London's only 2 hours away on the train im wondering how old this postcard is. There's no date on it, the photo on the front is of a wolf but doesn't appear that worn. Anyway shite postcard and this is what you get for cleaning your room and moving furniture, postcards off some bitch telling you about the zoo.

Bowser and the Princesses?

I have been playing Nintendo games for as long as I can remember and was first in line for Mario Galaxy. The story line has never done it for me though, always thought there was something fuckin wrong with it and they have never fixed it.

What's Bowser's obsession with Princess Daisy originally and now Princess Peach. Does he want to fuck them or just take over the town or what. At least the big green bastard is ambitious, he wants to take over the galaxy now, instead of 8 worlds in the original game. And how come shes so damn easy to kidnap. Every single game starts with Toad fuckin crying to Mario saying the princess has been kidnapped. Well has she not got her own security at this stage?

Oh and princess Daisy is a bit of an auld dog compared to Peach. Why she would be interested in some fat dude with a tash is beyond me. Tashes are so 80's, its time Mario had a shave.

Friday, 2 January 2009

Five things for 2009

1. Take a photography course (Starts January 16th)

2. Pass driving test

3. Go on a different type of holiday, either some interrailing or Thailand.

4. Start coming to work on time. My boss reckons I havent been on time since June. If I wasn't such a good looking charming bastard I would probably be out on my ass.

5.Build a mame cocktail table.

How hard could that be in a year?

Thursday, 1 January 2009


Im a big fan of the series and with number 4 coming out next month on ps3 and xbox im very excited. Ronan's lovely girlfriend bought him a Super Nintendo for xmas! He now has every Nintendo system every made and i'm a bit jealous to be honest. Check out this video, makes me proud to be a nerd!