Thursday, 29 May 2008

Embarrassing moment #1

I began University in 2001 and of course I was full of enthusiasm and all that crap. Yeah whatever! I went to Uni for 4 reasons. I didn't want to work, to meet alot of women who might have sex with me, to drink until I fell over and reason number one again. Orientation week, FUN week or whatever the hell they called it. No lecturers or work, just guided tours and the pub.

For some reason still unknown to me, I had signed up for a hard course. Computer science and software engineering. What the hell was I thinking? Not only was I picking a ridiculous hard course, I had also engineered myself into a course where there was 10 dudes to every dudette. At least the social life had been good so far. Drinking all night and day and never going on any of the tours or meet the lecturers lunches.

The student union had arranged this mystery tour into town, which basically consisted of them dumping us into the worst nightclub in town. I have a bad memory of that night which will haunt me until my death. One of the student union lets get involved fuckers decided, it would be a great idea to get a sing-a-long going on the bus. He decided to sing Dennis Leary Im an Asshole. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE!!

Next day, we have to go to this student union meeting. I have got the shakes really bad. I drank everything the night before and talked random crap to everyone I met. I still had people coming up to me in my final year asking "aren't you that guy?" And the sad and terrible truth was yes, yes I was that guy.

I had somehow managed to pull three different girls from the course I was joining. There was 350 people in my class, somewhere between 30 - 40 were female. I am or never was that attractive so how this all happened I dont know and your probably wondering where the embarrassing moment is coming from here, but its coming.

The SU dude was basically trying to be Mr Cool, telling us where to go drinking and general Uni advise. "Now this is the most important thing you need to know about life at Uni. Do not get off with anyone from your course, their are plenty of other people in other courses to get off with. You dont want any awkward situations everyday." This asshole was a virgin if I ever seen one. Unfortunately for me, I was sitting beside a friend from my old school and of course he did what was natural and fucking pissed himself laughing. All eyes on fucking us now. I am pulling my hoodie around my head and trying to avoid eye contact with everyone. The SU guy wants to know what my so called friend is laughing about and asks has he already been stupid with one of the girls. So he gladly informs him he hasn't but his good friend here had gotten off with 3 of the cast of 101 dalmations. Well laughter and laughter and pointing and me trying to dig a fucking hole with a bic pen out of there. But of course he wasn't letting go that easy, this fuckin nazi had finally got his audience to listen to his punkass and he was milking it. "So which one did you take home?" "Did you buy any of them a drink?" "Are they here now?" "Point them out!" If he had actually looked around the classroom it wouldn't have been hard to figure out who it was 347 eyes were on me, the other 3 were looking away, hoping they wouldn't get dragged into it. Well I am far too much of a gentleman to drag anyone else into it. So I flipped him the bird which he didnt like at all, kind of shut everyone else up too. They weren't expecting that one haha. It wasn't even that I was that embarrased about the whole thing, I just wanted to get out of there so I could go for a cure, I was fucking dying and this wasn't helping things at all. He quickly moved onto another subject and everyone started falling asleep again. Our yearhead I remember had arrived in towards the end, so missed my fall from grace. I guess the SU dude wanted to leave on a high note so he asked me to come down and write my number on the board in case I had forgotten to give to the ladies last night. I just laughed this time hahahahah then he came for a pint with the class after and I bought him a pint and proceded to go to the toilet and take a big piss in it before I brought it over to him. "No hard feelings he asked?" "No sir, none at all."


Monday, 19 May 2008

TV sucks an awful lot lately!

Before I start. I LOVE TV. I am Mr TV. I have a dream, that one day I will have a tv the size of a theatre screen. I have a dream that my tv will be able to syncrhonize and live in harmony with all my other media devices in a perfect open source environment. I have a dream that every tv screen will have a quad core * by quad core processor and allow me to watch 32 different channels simulatenously on one screen. I have a dream, that there is actually something worth fucking watching on TV.

TV shows I want back now. Sopranos, Glenroe, Black Books, Friends, Father Ted ( I dont care if he's dead, wake his ass up) and Beverly Hills 90210. We need Graham Linehan to go the Dolly the Sheep route. Is there no one else out there who we can turn to for some entertainment. FFS he graduated from Colaiste Dhulaigh! Couldn't we get the old Friends crew back together and just announce a new series, its not like any of them have anything else to be doing. They could probably pull in $10 million each an episode.

Two current shows that have turned into an absolute fucking fiasco. Prison Break and Lost. How can they still be lost? Do we have to go through another few years of peoples theories? As for Prison Break, I loved series 1. The best show on television by a long shot. The downfall of this; they have to keep it going forever. This isnt the fuckin A-Team! They cant just move the characters to a new country and get them arrested in a new country and put them in an even shittier prison. Its meant to be a story not an on going drama. They might as well put it on three nights a week like Eastenders or some other shite drama. End the fucking story. Kill Michael, kill them both, I dont care anymore.

Can someone explain to me in this day and age why I have to wait months to watch an episode of a show that premiered in the States? Well I have a super fast connection like the rest of the world and I wont wait. You know what that means, I probably wont watch it when it comes out in UK/EIRE, because I have already watched it in shittier quality online. At least I didn't have to watch the ads.

Quotes of the week!

"I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera."Mike Damone

"Bazooko's Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing every Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. This was the Sixth Reich." Raoul Duke

"Give all of us gathered here tonight the strength to remember that life is so very fragile. We are all vulnerable. And we will all, at some point in our lives... fall."Coach Taylor, Friday Night Lights

"Mr. Kinnoch, I beg you to accept that there is no people on Earth who would not prefer their own bad government to the good government of an alien power."Gandhi

[About JP MORGAN] That's the sort of place this is, Jen. A lot of sexy people not doing much work and having affairs.

Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I was out in the garden today working on my tan. Bournemouth has had a bit of a heat wave the last week or so and its been bikini city. Anyway got interrupted by continous knocks on the door. We really need to get a peep hole. Opened the door and there was two mormons smiling at me. AH NO! Instead of being a right bastard and just closing the door on them, I offered a hello. Big mistake. "Blah blah blah, have you got half an hour. Who cant afford half an hour?" I cant, I have facebook chat and msn and porn and blogs and I need a cigeratte now.

Its really hard to actually listen to someone when you just want them to go away. They werent taking the bullet though. First attempt: 1. "Im actually Catholic." I presumed these people were banging on the doors in the UK as most people in the UK havent been baptised. Well most in the 0-35 bracket that I have met or else they cant remember as they dont have the same school and religion banged in together thing. This did not defer my mormon friend. "Oh so you know all about the message of Jesus Christ and his followers." What was I meant to say no, I havent a clue please come in and tell me all about it.

I was starting to wish it was the Church of Scientology, I could have just bought a book off them to get them off the door. Second attempt: "Im kinda busy." This was terrible, he could see right through my shit. These dudes had got me cornered now, if it was someone selling something I could have just said "here fuck off now or Im gonna boot you in the balls." I didnt feel comfortable telling the God Squad to fuck off. "Have you got any favourite stories or passages from the bible?" I was dying to tell him the pulp fiction one or the whole beware of the pale horse thing thats in every horror film ever. But no, its like talking to a priest, terrible.

I eventually got rid of them after about twenty minutes, when I agreed to go a meeting on Sunday. I think something is going to come up that will force me to cancel strangely enough. Good old Wikipedia, here is some stuff you might not know about this religion.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, widely known as the LDS Church or the Mormon Church, is the fourth largest Christian denomination in the U.S.[3][4] and the largest and most well-known denomination originating from the Latter Day Saint movement founded by Joseph Smith, Jr. in 1830.

In the LDS Church, both men and women may enter a celestial marriage with only one partner at a time. A man may be sealed to more than one woman, however, if his wife dies, after which he may enter another celestial marriage, and be sealed to both his living wife and deceased wife or wives. Many Mormons assume that all these marriages will be valid in the eternities and the husband will live together in the afterlife as a polygamous family with all wives to whom he was sealed. On page 72 of the 1998 edition of the Church Handbook of Instructions, the LDS Church clarified that a woman may also be sealed to more than one man. A woman, however, may not be sealed to more than one man while she is alive. She may only be sealed to subsequent partners after she has died. [1] Church leaders have not clarified if women in such circumstances will live in a polyandrous relationship in the afterlife.

In my opinon you should always be wary of any religion where the blokes can fuck more than women. It was probably started by some horny old hound. Smith the founder, claimed God and his Son had appeared before him when he was 14 and when he told the local minister, he was perseceuted and they called it the devil at work. THen a few years later a resurrected prophet showed up at his gaff telling him where these ancient scripts were. They bought dug up a hole and found the tablets with the true meaning of Christianity on them. He tried to run for presidency of the United States, he formed his own bank to draw money from and went bankrupt in 21 days. While in jail, 200 men charged the prison and got into his cell. Smith had somehow gotten a pistol from a visitor and shot three of them. He died though trying to escape out a window after taking several bullets.

Planes, mammys car and a taxi!

Current Location: In work
Listening to: Bruce Springsteen - The river
Thinking: "Who the fuck eats sushi from Tesco?"

Got on the ShitAir flight, there was about 8 people on the plane. On a Ryanair flight it is usually particularly hard to get any sort of leg room but if you take the seats where the emergency exit are you do get a bit of comfort. Well so I thought. I was sitting there a bit nervous, I hate flying. A few whiskeys at the bar before take off usually sort me out though. Well, until now. The AirHostess informed me if there was an accident because I was sitting in the seats beside the emergency exit, I would have to help them get the doors open and help people off. "Are you ready to be hero?" I wasnt really listening so I just nodded my head. It wasnt until they were doing the whole air hostess dance showing the exits did I think about it. "Are you ready to be hero?" Fuck no Im not! What was I supposed to do exactly if there was an accident?JohnnySnipes passenger 57, fuck you! Every poor bastard for himself as far as im concerned. And what kind of plane are you getting on when the air hostess tells you if there is an accident before you have even taken off bla bla bla. AHHHHHHHHH! Well we all got there safe and sound.

Got off the plane turned the blower on. No messages. No missed calls. Charlie was meant to be picking me up. Ring ring ring. No answer. FUCK! Text message from Charlie. "Im at the Trinity Ball." Great! Sent him a nice abusive message, calling him all sorts of nasty things. Text from Charlie. "I have a ticket for ya." Quick call to Mammy, come pick my ass up. Quick chat with the family and off out the door. "Got to Trinity. No you cant come in. "Come on, I came from England for this, my girlfriends inside." You think he would have been cool and told me "Alot of peoples girlfriends are inside!" But no, he was a douchebag. Ended up going to the casino and sitting beside some comedian off the panel, cant remember his name. THen met Roey and his missus, and went back and drank alot of whiskey.

Important thing to remember: bouncers suck, as do Ryanair and people have better things to be doing than picking you up at an airport on a Friday Night at 12.

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

The trouble with work!

Album: Richard Ashcroft - Close to you
Feeling: Like theres something missing, maybe my keys
Playing: GTA4
Reading: Al Pacino: In Conversation with Lawrence Grobel

"I woke up this morning, feeling fine...." Yes, I was basically as happy as the Halifax dude. I didnt break into song or dance but still the birds went tweep tweep tweep and I made myself a cup of tea. The sun was immense for 8am and I made a mental note to myself, to bring my RayBans back from Ireland. Its about a 40 minute walk to my office from my house. I had just robbed a few albums from the good auld tinternet the day before and had synced my ipod, so I decided to walk it.

I was enjoying my stroll for a change, through the High street of my town. The "got any change gang" were still asleep so I wasn't being bothered. I stopped to get some fruit in a grocer, I hadnt been in before and have vowed never to buy fruit & veg off a Tesco again. It was good stuff.

Was having such a wonderful time listening to Mr Ashcroft and enjoying the sun, when I got outside my office it suddenly dawned on me, that I actually had to go in. Oh no!

Monday, 5 May 2008

Quotes of the week

“You should stay away from your potential. I mean, that is something you should leave absolutely alone! You’ll mess it up! It’s potential, leave it! And anyway, it’s like your bank balance, you know - you always have much less than you think.”
Dylan Moran on potential.

"Peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy."

Rojos mate Par
"Pissing out windows and smoking heroin all over the gaff."

The Ballymun bird who was the lady in question in the Ballymun porno"
"Dont be fuckin tapin me"

Friday, 2 May 2008

Match of the Day

I have a real problem with the whole BBC Match of the day team. What do Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen all have in common? There all assholes! Gary Lineker is the anchor, with the other two garden knomes giving there expert opinion. Ian Wright recently left the show claiming he was used by the producers to be the comic element on the show as the other analysts were so dry. I guess it had nothing to do with him landing a lucrative contract as the host for Gladiators. The best football show by a long mile is Jimmy Hills Sunday supplement. Four journalistsand Jimmy, until they axed Jimmy. Now its just the Sunday supplement but still a fantastic analysis of what has happened in football that week. They dont show highlights or have any of the new fancy technology to track players, just four journalists having a chat over a brew.

Another BBC asshole is Mark Lawrenson. He does a weekly prediction of football results from the Premiership. I dont know if he is on an earner from a few major bookmakers to tell people incorrect predictions but the bloke doesnt know his arse from his elbow. I will put my money where my mouth is though, I will sign up to give a contribution to Concern if he can beat me this weekend on results. 5 points for a correct score and 2 points for a correct result. Game on Lawro, GAME ON!

Lawro's Predictions My Predictions
Man Utd vs West Ham Man Utd vs West Ham
3-0 2-1

Aston Villa vs Wigan Aston Villa vs Wigan
2-0 1-1

Blackburn vs Derby Blackburn vs Derby
2-0 4-0

Fulham vs Birmingham Fulham vs Birmingham
2-1 1-1

Middlesbrough vs Portsmouth Middlesbrough vs Portsmouth
2-0 1-3

Reading vs Tottenham Reading vs Tottenham
2-0 0-0

Bolton vs Sunderland Bolton vs Sunderland
2-0 1-2

Arsenal vs Everton Arsenal vs Everton
2-0 1-1

Liverpool vs Man City Liverpool vs Man City
2-1 1-0

Newcastle vs Chelsea Newcastle vs Chelsea
0-2 1-1

I have played it a bit more dangerous than Lawro, going for Chelsea and Arsenal to both draw but time will tell. Is it just me or would everyone love to see Middlesbrough go down?