Thursday, 26 March 2009

How to get thrown out of a car?

So im not exactly a morning person. Im definately not a 6am person. Well thats when I was woken up today by a toddler, then pushed out of bed at 7. Then told to hurry up after being in shower for half an hour. Then got dirty im late and its all your fault looks. Not being able to eat breakfast she has made as hungover from beer and wine.

Atmosphere is a bit tense in the car its about 8:05, I would still be walking about in my boxers if I was at my place. Ive said nothing, im in a mood for being blamed on the lateness even if it was my fault. Im too early to go to work, I dont have enough money to go get a fancy breakfast somewhere.

Radio 1 is on, conversation non-existant.

Girlie:"Its really quiet, no one is on the streets."
Me:"There all in fuckin bed, where I should be!"

And now im on the pavement laughing my head off. Im such a prick

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time!

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off. "

I dont think anyone would guess what got me thinking of that passage in Fight Club this morning. I was doing my usual morning ritual of shower at 7:45, iron shirt for work at 8 while watching the news, 8:15 get dressed, 8:30 breakfast. Well it goes roughly something like that most days. I watch the first half of Run's house some mornings at is usually on at 08:30am on MTV and shoot out the door at 840. Until this morning that was, this morning I got the pleasure of watching the Hills.

The Hills revolves around the lives of these ridiculously rich good looking people. They all attend interesting courses and have a great intern jobs and live in fancy apartments and go to michelin restaurants every night. No buying a big bag of pasta at the start of the month in case you run out of money for food for those fuckers.

So another question, am I jealous? Sure I want their money but not much else. I think what I am trying to get at is I thought life would be as easy as it appears on the Hills. They all seem to have good jobs but still party every night and live in a great place and nothing seems to be out of their reach. And I know this is a tv show but its suppose to be a reality TV show. Whose fucking reality is this? I dont know anyone who lives in this luxury. Maybe that type of wealth just doesn't exist in Ireland.

Back to me though, maybe I was just delusional. I had no idea why I thought something big was going to happen to me but I was convinced it was and maybe it will but its slowly staring me in the face that I will have to continue down the old career route. FUCK!

What big thing did I think was going to happen to me? Very average at football, very average at everything really. Maybe I thought I would win the lotto. The only thing I have ever tried which potentially could have made me money was when I wrote a book, too many rejection letters can make you feel a tad shite!

Ive realised your suppose to work a job you hate. Well maybe hate is a strong word. I cant say I hate my job. Im writing this blog while at work, how bad can it be? Im not down a mine shovelling coal, life could be worse. And im definately not working so I can buy shit I dont need. Im working as I need a roof over my head, I got bills to pay and I got beers that need to be bought. Im not working so I can have two porsches instead of one. That kind of read like I have a porsche, I dont! Got a bus pass though, yeah baby!

Monday, 23 March 2009

New Blog

Im giving serious thought to doing a tv review blog, the only question is when am I going to get the time to do it? I will have a little think about it! Tv shows im watching lately: Terminator, Scrubs, Shameless and South Park is back on tv, Season 13.

The In Betweeners starts up again next week! Definately worth a watch! New Season kicks off next Thursday 10pm April 2nd, it will be taking Skins slot on E4.

Its good to be the champ!

So last Monday was the last day of my photography course. There were 16 of us in the class and the tutor had told us of a small competition between ourselves that would be held on the last week. The competition was based on night photography (no flash).

I couldn't decide on which photo to choose. He was putting up our photos one by one on a board and I was really hoping we werent going to be ranked 1-16 as I would have placed myself about 12th.

Anyway the tutor thought other wise, so when he said "I think John is a deserved winner", I looked around the class looking for another John until it dawned on me that he actually meant me.

Here's the photo I entered. Oh and I have tried to get some photos uploaded to istockphoto and I have been rejected grrrrrrrrrrr!

Monday, 16 March 2009

Urban Legend: Volume 1

I remember hearing this one as a kid more than a dozen times. Some genius whizkid had somehow managed to fuse a Megadrive and a Super Nintendo together which meant when you turned it on, it was the world's first 32 bit home video game console!

Oh yeah and whizkid/engineer got twenty years in jail for copyright enfringment.

I am giving this an 9.1 on the bullshit monitor.

Friday, 13 March 2009

Dont be giving me attitude biatch!

Ok so I got a new phone (AN IPHONE :) ) and you have to go through that horrible process of adding numbers to it and sending people messages to say this is your new number and deciding who to send it too.

I counted 12 girls numbers on my phone and I cant remember who they are and I realised im a bit of a whore. So they didnt get sent a message. Anyway I texted this one girl I had seen a few times and I kind of let it fizzle out and she didnt really like this. So she sent me a few messages about my iphone will break and I will probably lose it and blah blah blah i have a new boyfriend he's great more blah blah blah

"Dude you need to relax, you should really talk to Ferris...."

Well she rang me and went apeshit and I couldnt stop laughing at the poor girl.

I know ive been blowing my own trumpet a bit in this blog but its Friday, another week has gone by where I haven't been given the bullet, I won money on the horses, I just looked in the mirror and I think im getting better looking with age.

Sometimes you have to remind yourself how much of a fuckin rockstar you really are!

Dave, why losing my job wont be that bad!

At home I have the full Sky package, movies + sports blah blah blah. I pay a good bit of money for this and Im not sure why. I rarely watch any of the movie channels and I might watch one or two football matches on sky every week.

Most of the time my tv channel of choice is DAVE. The channel is called Dave because apparently everybody knows a bloke called Dave. Its a great channel for when you just went to vedge after a hard night on the sauce.

Whats funny about this channel is all its content is BBC back catalogs. It main shows are Top Gear, Mock the Week and Never mind the Buzzcocks. If I lose my job I can see alot of days spent in front of the tv watching DAVE. That wouldn't be so bad now would it?

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Bad taste Jade Goody joke of the day

"Jade has asked to be cremated and her ashes put into small silk bags and passed to all the mourners at the service, so everybody gets a Goody bag!"

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Where I live....

In a little town called Winton. It has five pubs, two of which are rough as fuck and you wouldn't send your worst enemy in there for a piss. So of course I have been in both of them.

It has more charity clothes shops than actually clothes shops, not that you would buy clothes from any of these stores. It used to have a Woolworths until they went tits up. There seems to be an endless amount of little cafe's that can only actually hold about 8 people and you can never get a table.

Of course Winton has its own Aldi, haven't set foot in it yet. Apparently its cheap for fruit and veg. We also have a pizza hut but its take away only, we don't have a restaurant. We have a shitty Italian restaurant that I went to nearly a year ago and it was fucking revolting. A Dominoes and some other Pizza joint, a shitty chipper and about twenty chicken balls and curry sauce joints.

Winton also has its very own Bingo Hall and youth club. Go to the bingo hall to grab a granny and go to the youth club to get mugged by some 12 year old Reggie Kray.

Wintons proudest moment of late was the opening of a Weatherspoons on the main street, local chavs estimate its saving them £200 a year on their beer for benefits scheme.

All in all, a wonderful place.

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Paddy flying!

Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester. The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower and says 'Help, HELP! Easter, Pancake Tuesday, New Year's Eve, Bank Holiday Monday, Halloween, Valentine's Day!"

Voice comes back and says, for fucks sake Paddy, it's Mayday!!

Would you put your phone number on facebook?

I have 300 odd friends on Facebook for some reason. Probably 50 from Ireland, 50 from Tenerife and 50 from England who the rest are is anyone's guess.

There is a page on facebook where you can add your contact details. I have seen this on the news feed page numerous times where you see someone has updated their contact details on their page. Basically giving their number and address, isnt this all a step too far?

I use Facebook quite a bit, its nice to say hello to people you havent seen in a while on the chat function and be tagged in old pics but I dont want these people having my mobile number to ring me at 4am to have a conversation about "remember when......"

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

The Owl, the footballer and the wedding

Well isn't that a perfectly normal blog post title. Rio Ferdinand is going to marry his longterm girlfriend sometime in the summer and when they do the bit with the rings at the altar. The best man, (either his brother or some Man Utd player) will lift up there arm and the owl will come from the back of the church and land on the best mans owl glove. The best man will then proceed to remove the rings from a pouch that has been placed around the owls neck and hand the rings over to the couple.


100th Blog Post! My blogs first birthday!

So I got dragged into this blogging nonsense over a year ago. I just checked and it was my blogs first birthday on Monday so its kind of nice now that this is my 100th post.

My first blog was rather shite, it consisted of two whole sentences and it was me basically having a rant from the start.

To be fair I didnt really get into the whole thing, until I put it on my New Year's resolutions list, to try and do over 20 blog posts per month. Last year was a pretty bad performance by me. I only managed to write 2 posts in both June & July. I dont do the whole draft blog thing, I write what comes into my head and throw it out there without proof reading it, so if their are typos and shit, well tough.

I have wrote some blogs that I do quite like though, among a number of poor ones (trying to get this right, stay with me). Here is my five favourite posts I have written, go have a look!






Thanks for anyone who has read my blog, here is some comments from you that made me laugh.

Anthony said...

At the rate they get kidnapped, I'm kinda thinking the princesses are complicit. Conspiracy storylines in Mario may not work though.

(in reference to

Anonymous said...

I love a good communist party!

(in reference to

Maxi Cane said...

As soon as you do a search for a web domain it automatically gets registered.

Congrats, you've taken the greatest domain name off the market.

(in reference to

Abby_is_FUBAR said...

BAH HA HA HA 'Buxom Women' I'm sorry but that statement alone is funny as shit....

...I'm still laughing

Males make better chefs?

I remember a few times we were unfortunate enough to have to experience my fathers cooking. It was so bad the dog wouldn't eat it. I remember him putting onions in beans once. Yes actually chopping up an onion, putting it into a pot with beans and infusing the two. It was vile.

My mother was an alright cook. It was typical Irish food: meat, spuds and some other veg most of the time. She did occasionally I remember cook this ridiculous hot curry and we always had a roast on a Sunday. Nothing too adventurous, I think she was better at cooking cakes than anything else. She used to make these all the time at Xmas, I remember she sold a few one year. They mainly went to relatives and friends.

I worked in a few restaurants over the years and all the chefs seemed to be male. On tv, Gordo Ramsay seems to have about five different tv shows on at prime times. Is he even a chef anymore? I know he does a bit on tv, but has he recently spent a whole month cooking in one restaurant? Where is the female chefs on late night tv. I want good looking women making chocolate shaped boobs!!!

Im just wondering why there seem to be more male chefs but very few who cook at home. Its starting to change a bit now. Ive gone out with girls who couldn't pull together a bowl of Corn Flakes for you in the morning. Maybe its the late night work that attracts men to being chefs. They work till around 11 then dont have to be back in until the next evening.

Ok ive lost myself in this blog now, im sure theirs a point in there somewhere.

I made my own soup today from scratch, and its kinda nice!