Thursday, 15 January 2009

Preview of 2009 -- my perfect year

January

After a wonderful xmas, there is a mistake in my account and all the money I spent while home at xmas hasnt been taken off my balance. I start my photography course and fall in love with a blonde Asian who cooks me all sorts of exotic dishes.

February

Blonde Asian gets deported after links with Triads. Triads give me £10k for hiding five Asians in my shed for a weekend. Become slightly irritated at photo course but still shine brightly. Travel to Edinburgh to see cousins to get cheered up. Drink lots of beer and remember stories from my childhood in the country. Win best paddyinengland award at blog awards.


March

Given a small part in a low budget horror which will go on to gross over a £100 million when its released. Travel to Cardiff, Ireland destroy Wales in Rugby, I rub salt in the wounds of the Welsh by shagging Charlotte Church.

April

Celebrate my 26th birthday in Vegas, win four million on a dollar slot machine. Get comped with the fuckin Rainman suite. Buy the penthouse apartment in moo lane temple bar, buy huge Victorian style house in Bournemouth, buy GT 500.


May

I have £1.2 million left, have been calling in sick to work on a regular basis and I have my first written warning. I pay a doctor £500 to give me a 6 month sick note, explaining that I am very stressed with the state of the world and need a complete break. I spend the rest of May planning the rest of my year.

June

I come up with a brillant new idea for a website, it brings in a steady income and I can give two of my unemployable friends a job. I go to Glastonbury and see Elvis play on the mainstage.

July

Website reaches 80,000 members, I have to fire one of my friends for trying to put his dick in the printer.

August

Im tired and go here to relax

www.atlantis.com

After been on a waiting list for 10 hours I get my Man Utd season ticket.

September

Watch Man Utd beat Real Madrid 6-0, Rooney scoring 5 and Ronaldo scoring a 46 yard free kick which rips the net and smacks a fat man in the face.

October

I sell my website for 5 million and buy an apartment in Tenerife, spend the rest of the month there drinking heavily and contemplating life.

November

Spend the month mainly on Ryanair flights between Bournemouth and Dublin and making the perfect pancake.

December

Elvis gets Britney pregnant, Michael Jackson becomes the first champion of celebrity UFC, I eat alot of TUrkey.

8 comments:

English Mum said...

Suzuki GT500 or Ford Shelby Mustang GT500.

Oh and in March, you missed out 'I buy my favourite fellow blogger, English Mum, a Brera for her birthday'.

What? You just missed it out, right?

Anthony said...

Brilliant. Are you coming to the Blog Awards btw?

Anonymous said...

Is there actually a blog awards??

Quite a year planned!! Are you sure you are up to all those grogeous women falling at your feet once they know you are wealthy??

PaddyInEngland said...

@EnglishMum - Definately a 68 Shelby. Im not a big fan of brera's, when I google imaged it though i found a lovely pic of this young lady, isn't she lovely.

http://www.supercars.dk/images/products/alfa-romeo-brera.jpg

And how about a hug for your birthday instead. Oh and I nominated you for the best food blog. I want a special thank you in your speech and no crying during it!

@Anthony - Yeah think I would like to go, can I be your date?

@Abby/Anonymous - Gorgeous women have been falling at my feet for years, the only difference now being my PA can make my excuses for me in the morning.

Pepper Potts: I have your clothes here; they've been dry cleaned and pressed. And there's a car waiting for you outside that will take you anywhere you'd like to go.
Christine Everheart: You must be the famous Pepper Potts.
Pepper Potts: [smiling] Indeed I am.
Christine Everheart: After all these years, Johnny still has you picking up the dry cleaning.
Pepper Potts: I do anything and everything Johnny requires. Including, occasionally, taking out the trash. [still smiling] Will that be all?



BURN!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the compliment!! :) Just watch that ego!!!

PaddyInEngland said...

So this is Abby?

Abby said...

Hey! I haven't even commented yet!! Imposter! :( brilliant year you have planned out there, especially the part about your friend and the copier. Lol.

Toners said...

Blog awards are gonna be mega, ya should book flights. Don't think Ryanair fly direct in to Cork though.